Ashlawn Farms
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It’s 1 PM, but I want some god damn coffee. My work schedule is essentially random, and by random I mean, “The hours nobody else wants to work”. Some days it’s from 6:30 AM to 3, some days it’s from 2:30 PM to 10:30 PM, and nothing stops those two schedules from being back-to-back. My ability to sleep like a normal person has been lost years ago. I can go weeks without having an actual 8-hour sleep cycle, even on a day off. Give me my god damn miracle drug.

Ashlawn Farms is connected to an actual farm in Lyme, CT, but this tiny coffee shop next to a train station is about as far from a farm as you can get. It’s far from my place of work too, about a block. I’m not going to take my car there, for the same reason you don’t use twenty dollar bills as napkins, but I have an hour-long lunch and no more. So I run.

Some days I follow the road, dodging between cars. There are no stoplights to wait on in this path, no crosswalks other than the vague suggestions between parking lots. The sidewalk disappears as I run past the cemetery. That lot filled up years ago, left untouched out of some vestige of reverence for what history we have. The thing about train stations is that everyone wants to leave them, so when slick winter snowbanks pile up two feet high your life becomes human Frogger, the prize a two-dollar cup of coffee won by evading every minivan in town.

This place was engineered to appeal to a diverse, hip, modern crowd. Music constantly plays over their speakers, usually country or a top 40 track from no later than 1995. Farm supplies and bare wood compliment a simulated fireplace. I would guess it was meant to seem rustic, but the menu is not. Ashlawn changes its specials every season, lattes to match the attitudes our weather inspires. If I show up as late as say, 1 PM, I need to get that latte because the coffee has gone black in the bottom of the pot, and only sugar can save it. Their baked goods tend towards the fanciful; brownies with powdered sugar and sea-salt pretzels, cinnamon rolls with cranberries wrapped within. Even a simple egg and sausage sandwich is dressed up in words like “chevré cheese”.

Ashlawn is a world meant for travelers, city-dwellers. I can absorb snippets of conversations while sitting and drinking, always some college thesis or business deal. These are not the people who live in this town, only the ones passing through it. Why would this coffee shop try to appeal to those living here, when so many of them are either summer vacationers or poor? Then again, I don’t live in this town either. It’s only where I work. At least Ashlawn can keep the hearth warm and the coffee flowing.

The Courtyard Restaurant
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It’s 10:30 AM, and I will be very sad if I don’t get some god damn coffee. This retail store opens at 7 AM to sell candy bars to tumbleweeds for an hour. Working here is better than having no money at all, of course, that’s what I’ve been told. I’m slightly above minimum wage, even. I would understand being awake for a 7 AM work shift if I were a pre-industrial farmer who needed to thresh grain before the sun went down. As it stands, the only customers I see on the first four hours, 6:30 to 10:30, are other minimum wage workers buying energy drink “breakfasts” on the way to their own comically early shifts, along with the odd traveler who has nowhere else to shop before leaving their hotel room. This is a machine that feeds itself in a grotesque ouroborous. The coffee lets me pretend I slept at some point.

The Courtyard Restaurant is literally a Restaurant in a Courtyard. The name belies the diner’s creativity. It’s in the same building complex as the store I work in, likely having been there decades before my employer. It used to be a Caldor’s, only to be bought out and hollowed out, another link in a chain. But this isn’t about the store I work at; this is about where I go to get away from the store.

Some days I walk around the perimeter of the complex. Running is too much effort this early in the morning. Empty storefront, gift shop, shoe store, women’s apparel, another shoe store. There’s also the other way around. Liquor store, Radio Shack, empty storefront, pawn shop, empty storefront. I pass the 18-wheeler that’s always parked there, to a slate walkway surrounded by pines. I don’t know who maintains these pines; nobody ever visits this area just to rest. I pass what used to be a bookstore before it became an empty storefront, and open the door.

If the owner of The Courtyard Restaurant ever cared about appealing to an audience, she doesn’t now. Everything is decorated in off-white and pale pink, clean, frozen in time. The photos and shelf trinkets are likely just things the owner collected. The old-school diner design is not an attempt to attract anyone so much as it is a deliberate refusal to change. Breakfasts are eggs any style, paper-thin bacon, wonderfully light toast, and misplaced kielbasa. Lunches are hamburgers served moist, chicken soup, and the liver and onions, which is more of a suggestion than a threat. The coffee will not go bad in the pot, because the diner closes at 2 PM. This place is open when the owner wants it to be, and they have no desire to linger for longer than they want to. That’s the beauty of setting your own hours.

The Courtyard Restaurant is a world meant for the old retired people who want the town to stop changing. There’s silence here, silence and Wi-Fi borrowed from another nearby store. Businesses are born and killed, forests are chewed up for more space, and here you can pretend that nothing ever happened. I once asked the owner how she kept this place running- she shrugged, and simply said, “Work”. A restaurant that stays in business through sheer stubbornness is admirable, but not pushing any envelopes. But hey, she sometimes refills my coffee for free.

Coffé Toscana
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It’s 12 PM, and even though I don’t need coffee, I’m getting some god damn coffee. It’s become a ritual, if not an addiction. There’s no physical withdrawal- I barely feel different with or without the stuff- but there’s little else to drink around here. I could have a sugary energy drink, or a sugary soda pop, or a sugary sweet tea, or a sugary fruit juice. Sometimes I get sick of sugar. What I need is dark roast coffee, with a thimble full of cream, real liquid cream, so it‘s a few degrees cooler than the sun’s surface. A bitter drink to offset the sugar I’m absorbing constantly for the rest of the week. It’s a moment of clarity, sometimes the first real beverage I’ve had all day.

Coffé Toscana is an establishment stuck in the heart of the town’s main street. This is the high-class commercial zone, the row of stores laid out for our consumption. In the summer, the rich folk move into their vacation homes and spend a few months in what they were told was a beautiful town. There’s beauty to see here, in osprey nests and untamed ocean, but that requires looking up from your job for a moment.

Some days I’m not afraid of a crosswalk or two. The first one is tame for a four-lane intersection. They have a new signal button, one with a contact sensor instead of a fat button. The second is tougher. Between the tarot reader shack and the psychic hotline shack, there is nothing but a polite pedestrian crossing sign and wishes protecting you from traffic in the busiest part of the town. Most days someone is polite enough to stop… most days. The Paperback Café across the street would be great to visit if I could make it past, but Coffé Toscana takes one less crosswalk and is so much closer, so there I go.

This place is small and cramped, which is how you can tell it’s a classy, upscale café. The chefs are all native Spanish-speakers, but they are bilingual and I can understand a few words of Spanish besides. The decorations are also Hispanic, with even the television tuned to the Español channel. The coffee is dark and strong and plentiful, with a medium nearly as cheap as a small at Ashlawn. The chefs serve to satisfy first and impress second; order a toast cheese and you get two, with tomato and a bag of chips. Ask for an omelet and it’s made with three eggs and three toppings. Order the eggplant parmesan and wonder why you’d pay more than eight dollars for that anywhere else. Here is a restaurant that cares about the individuals eating there.

Coffé Toscana is trapped between worlds, though. Everything about its menu is meant for working class people. With large portions served relatively fast featuring interesting and varied flavors, located in the heart of town so every blue collar and middle class worker passes by, this café is a profitable restaurant and a positive influence on the town. It just so happens that everything “quaint” about this place also happens to endear it to the summer tourists. How long it will remain genuine, I have no idea. Perhaps it’s not worth worrying about compared to so many other problems in the world. Perhaps ignoring these kinds of things is the problem.

Dunkin’ Donuts
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It’s 6 PM, and it’s not just god damned coffee that I want. The break room at work has old burnt coffee if I ever felt that desperate. Part of the ritual is to get away from the atmosphere of my workplace. In this store the dry air desiccates my skin, fracturing into calluses and scars; in this store the endless march of solemn grandmothers is both customer and employee, lower teeth bared in frown lines. This is not all the world has to offer, and I need to remember that for 8 dollars plus tips every day.

Dunkin’ Donuts is… you know what Dunkin’ Donuts is. It’s a fast food chain, they’re everywhere in the United States. My hometown somehow has two. This one is down by the same crosswalk I cross to get to Coffé Toscana, blazing the orange and purple neon even in the dead of night, when any sane place has stopped serving breakfast. And it’s close, very close, a short jaunt that’s less than five minutes if the traffic lights agree with me.

Some days I wonder if I should get an actual meal when my lunch is this late. There’s a bar and grill far past the dreaded second crosswalk, one that makes good hot dogs quickly, but that’s not what I came for. There’s a Burger King right here if I wanted cheap and fast food, but it’s really not that cheap and the Angry Whopper did terrible things to me last time I went there. The Paperback Café I mentioned is a nice establishment except for the overpriced fare and the hilariously slow service. I could just bring and eat my own lunch, but again, I seek atmosphere. So I just get some donuts already.

I’ve been complaining quite a bit, but something about the Dunkin’ Donuts is all right with me. Perhaps it is lowered expectations; it is just donuts, after all. The coffee is serviceable if heavy on the cream, and I have no need of a greasy egg sandwich when I can just have 12 donuts, or a box of donut holes. The opposite side of lowered expectations is that I don’t really feel any obligations there. It’s not an urban trendsetter, it’s not a home for grumpy old folk, and it’s not a tourist’s plaything. It is donuts and donuts alone, thin wispy glazed and heavy dessert-like Bavarian cream and rich tough old fashioned for literally dunking a donut. The frosting will sometimes have holiday themes, drawn with wildly varying levels of skill. And if you remember the meme about Cronuts, the croissant dough donut which once brought fame and ruin to a New York bakery, they have Cronuts mass-produced here too. All I asked for is donuts, and I got it.

Dunkin’ Donuts gives me twelve donuts. I don’t eat all twelve donuts myself because I’m not a total glutton. Okay, maybe I eat four… you got me, five. But the rest have a purpose far more important than myself. I lift that box up to my chest, or over my head if there’s rain falling, and I run. The crosswalk means nothing since I have time to wait, and the parking lot has no car that can strike me. I return to the break room with the one thing all of my co-workers can agree on, sugar and fried dough. I hand one to an old lady and she manages a smile. Perhaps work doesn’t have to be suffering when at least one person gives a damn, and is awake enough to care. Because he got his god damn coffee.

For those of you who don't know, I am a former member of the US Navy. I spent the majority of the time in training, and I look back on the whole experience with a certain sense of fondness. In this article, I intend to discuss Navy Boot Camp chronologically, more or less. Mostly facts, minimal commentary. Why do I want to talk about this? Because very few people get to see it firsthand, I believe that it has elements worth talking about, and I may be able to address some misconceptions about it. I suppose that many people have thought about it at least once before, so I wanted to offer my two cents.

Before Boot Camp

In order to discuss the Boot Camp process, you have to wind the clock back several months prior to the actual training. Naturally, the very first thing that any recruit will do is visit their local recruiting office. At this early point, military recruiters have no idea whether or not an individual has what it takes to even be a candidate for boot camp. Some people may have troublesome fitness issues (like a history of injuries or catching viruses), while others have either legal issues (way too many speeding tickets or a penchant for drinking too much).

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Recruiters will give the potential recruit a short, preliminary test in some general fields. Knowledge of the military isn't tested, as this preliminary test is more akin to a school's standardized tests- math, geometry, reading comprehension and so forth. Performance on this test will give the recruiter a general idea of whether or not you should pursue a career in the military. If the recruiter is satisfied with the results, they will ask you to return to the office for further action. More than likely, a potential recruit will meet with their recruiter multiple times to discuss aspects of their life; education, medical history, interactions with law enforcement, jobs they've had, and a lot more. As you might have guessed, there is tons of paperwork and no shortage of probing interviews, especially if there is cause for concern in a potential recruit's history.

Making it Official

Eventually, the recruiter will have the recruit visit what is known as a Military Entrance Processing Station, of which there are dozens scattered across the country (mine being in Dallas, Texas). At MEPS, a recruit will be given a larger, official version of the preliminary test that they took earlier. This test (the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, or ASVAB) is very important, as it determines whether or not a given person is qualified for certain ratings (jobs) in the Navy. Passing the ASVAB is fairly easy, but if there is a large volume of potential recruits, the military may turn you away if your score is simply average. Furthermore, you will be given an physical exam, which will take place either very close to your ASVAB test, or you will be asked to return to MEPS on a separate day. The physical exam is a lengthy series of procedures that test virtually every part of a potential recruit's body: eyesight, psychological health, flexibility, coordination, hearing, general fitness, and so forth. They'll also give you a drug test, for obvious reasons.

If your physical tests and ASVAB scores are satisfactory, you may be asked to sit down with a classifier, where you will be offered a job. Depending on your ASVAB scores, you may be offered multiple job options, or they might ask you to take a very academically rigorous job. At all times up to this point, you are under no obligation to actually join the military, which only happens when you sign on the dotted line. The only remaining order of business is to take the Oath of Enlistment with other recruits, which is effectively the point of no return. Around this time, you should know when the military will send you off for training, and your time until then will involve more meetings with your recruiter. A recruit will be expected to keep in touch with their recruiter(s) regularly, stay physically fit, and most importantly, stay out of trouble.

Eventually, the time will come for you to actually leave for training. The day prior, you will visit your recruiter, who will arrange for you to be a taken to a hotel to stay the night. The next morning, you will return to MEPS for more paperwork, and you'll be sent on your way to the airport so that you can fly out to Chicago for your training.

When you arrive at the airport (for me, it was sometime late in the evening, but I suppose it can be earlier if you live closer to Chicago), you'll rendezvous with Navy personnel who will brief you on the procedure for the rest of the pre-boot camp process- how to address authority, where to go, and how to keep track of your paperwork and personal belongings. This is the point where the gloves come off. Recruiters were not supposed to baby you, per say, but they did have a certain tolerance for honest mistakes. At this point, you really have to straighten up and follow directions to the letter. From the airport, you will board a bus which will take you straight to Boot Camp. During the bus ride, you'll be briefed on what to expect. The Petty Officers (similar to a Sergeant) may answer some questions, but for the most part, the ride is uneventful.

The Experience Begins

For a recruit, their destination is Recruit Training Command, Great Lakes, more commonly known as RTC. The facility is actually part of a larger base, Naval Station Great Lakes. For some recruits, they will remain in this general location for their job training (“A-School”) after graduating from RTC. The first few hours of RTC is a blur of activity and yelling. You'll be given a final chance to call home to let them know that you've arrived, along with another drug test, a fitting for running shoes, and yet more paperwork.

Not long after, you'll surrender your civilian clothes, along with your phone, and your other personal belongings. However, it's important to note that you do get to hold onto things like your wallet, money, driver's license, and any religious items of reasonable size. Everything you don't hold on to will be sent home, and doesn't necessarily have to be thrown out. At the same time, you'll be given your first gear: clothes, toiletries, and so forth. You'll be given a lot more as the training goes on.

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Now, one of the most critical points of boot camp is one that is seldom mentioned in the recruiting process. You and your fellow recruits will sit down in front of Recruit Division Commanders (or RDCs, which are sort of like Drill Sergeants), where they will ask if the recruits have a given skill, talent, or are physically fit to a certain standard. Individuals who claim to possess certain skills (like singing or playing an instrument) may be placed in a special division known as a 900 Division, which are held to slightly different standards than other divisions. Generally speaking, this is the time for RDCs to determine who the more talented or physically fit recruits are.

A given division will start with roughly 90 recruits, and they will be under the direct command of 3 RDCs. Divisions may be 100% male recruits, about 50/50 male and female, but if that's the case, then they will not all share the same living quarters. I should point out that there have been 100% female divisions, but these are very uncommon.

The process continues with more orientation and paperwork, but one of the most jarring events is the “Moment of Truth”. In this, recruits will sit down in front of more RDCs who will demand that any recruit with potential problems (like untold drug use or undisclosed medical problems) step forward. Ostensibly, this is the last chance to reveal anything that may present a problem during training. Depending on the issue, they may delay your training, or simply send you home. If a recruit intentionally does not divulge certain info and it is later discovered that they did, the punishment can be quite severe. Keep in mind that most recruits are exhausted by this point and are running on whatever sleep they had at the hotel earlier. If your rating (job) requires a special orientation session, you'll also experience that away from most of your division.

Processing Days

Eventually, you reach your first barracks (or more accurately, “Compartment”) with your division, and the experience begins proper. The first few days of Boot Camp are known as “P-Days” (Processing Days), because of the massive amount of paperwork, examinations and teaching that occurs. By this point, you'll have a basic familiarity with military standards, which focus heavily on preciseness. To be clear, RDCs are forbidden from having recruits engage in corrective physical training if they mess up during P-Days. Until a recruit is cleared by the medical staff, punishment is mostly limited to verbal scolding, for liability purposes.

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During this time in the first Compartment, a division will be separated from most of the RTC facilities, and your time spent in your opening Barracks will not generally involve Fleet Quality Assurance, who are basically the inspectors. P-Days will also include another issuance of uniforms. This time, you'll be given several of your formal uniforms, which you'll continue to wear throughout your Navy career.

Also during this time, recruits may either volunteer for (or be assigned to) certain positions within the division. In theory, every recruit should have at least one specific obligation, but some recruits have no unique duty, and are instead grouped up to do a bigger task. If a recruit proves to be unsatisfactory at this early time, the RDCs may assign the role to someone else, especially if the position is of special importance. Some examples include the Yeoman (who more or less handles paperwork), the Master-at-Arms (oversees cleanliness, which is extremely important), the Port and Starboard Watches (in charge of watch standing and their respective logbooks) and the Recruit Chief Petty Officer (the highest ranking recruit, who leads the recruits in the absence of an RDC).

Furthermore, recruits will be given another medical screening, which involves lots of shots, as well as dental and vision examinations.This won't be the last time that recruits are medically reviewed, even if their health is impeccable. P-Days effectively ends when the recruits are declared “Fit for Full Duty”, and their progress is satisfactory enough to move the division to their permanent compartment.

Training Kicks Off

Basic Training consists of 8 weeks of various tests and training. The first couple of weeks of training consists of things like swim qualifications and yet more orientation. A large amount of this time is spent simply doing the same tasks over and over, but everything has a purpose. Knowing how to keep your gear clean and folded properly is one such example. Attention to detail is emphasized heavily all throughout training, and there is precious little room for error. Along the way, the division visits classrooms, where they become familiarized with basic Navy knowledge- ranks, insignia, terms, sexual harassment prevention, shipboard navigation and so forth.

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A given day is scheduled very thoroughly- recruits will wake up prior to the arrival of their RDCs, the compartment must be clean, and everyone must be dressed properly before the day can begin. The average day will consist of an early breakfast, a late morning lunch, and an early evening supper, with drill practice (marching) and lots of classroom time interspersed in between. The RDCs will depart around 10:00 PM (2200), and the recruits will sleep for the night and repeat the basic process the next day.

Naturally, a division will have something special planned for the day, whether it be medical visits, the aforementioned swimming tests, or what have you. Despite the relatively mundane nature of the first few weeks, this is where the culture shock sets in. Recruits have no real access to the outside world, and mail is not available for several weeks. As time goes on, this shock will wear off, and recruits will adapt to the training, to some degree.

During the third and fourth weeks, recruits will have the first of three Physical Fitness Assessments. (By this point, recruits will have been thoroughly worked out by their RDCs, since mistakes are unavoidable.) This indoor test will gauge whether or not you meet a certain standard based on your age and whether or not you're male or female. These tests consist of sit ups, push ups, and a 1.5 mile run, and sadly, not everyone passes. I'm not 100% sure of what happens to recruits who fail, but I believe that they are either sent home, or are rolled back into a division that is at a previous stage of training.

Recruits are also given extensive safety training with firearms, namely the Beretta M9. Recruits will be initially tested on a simulated firing range, and then on an actual indoor firing range the next day. As an aside, if your shooting scores are sufficient, you may earn a Pistol Marksmanship Ribbon, but this is of little importance. Recruits are also briefly familiarized a 12-gauge shotgun, but this is not extensively focused on. Sailors may attempts to qualify for Rifle marksmanship outside of RTC, but rifles are not addressed during Navy Boot Camp at all. Certain ratings will have a heavy emphasis on security, and will require much more weapons training than most other jobs.

On Sunday mornings, the Chapel is opened to any and all recruits, regardless of religious or spiritual background. This is one of the very few areas in which RDCs cannot necessarily scold you, but you will still be expected to be respectful of others. Many major religions (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, etc.) have at least one service, and there is also space and consideration given to people who would simply like to quietly reflect. Of course, a recruit can freely attend any service regardless of their background, such as a Buddhist attending a Jewish service or an Atheist attending a Christian service.

Inspections

During Basic Training, personnel and compartment inspections are very common. Inspections are done periodically and are conducted by the the previously mentioned Fleet Quality Assurance (FQA) personnel. These tests are extremely detailed and leave very little room for error. Your unworn gear must be stored away to exact specifications, the compartment must be pristine, and you must be able to wear your uniform to strict regulations, (and trust me, this is far more difficult than it sounds.) On the spot, recruits will be expected to recount certain facts about the Navy rank system or things like the Sailor's Creed. Recruits will pass or fail on their own (which is to say, the division won't necessarily be held back because of a few recruits), but failure will be met with punishment from the RDCs, sometimes for the entire division. That may sound a bit unfair, but the division thrives or flops based on teamwork, and every person is expected to hold other recruits to very high standards.

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Standing Watch

Watch standing is also a key part of basic training, and most recruits must do so at least once. Within the Navy as a whole, watch standers will guard or monitor certain ship systems or facilities, and they may be armed. In boot camp, anyone who stands watch is given a dummy handgun and must “guard” the compartment at any time of day or night. Sometimes, this means that the division will be at lunch or something to that effect while the watch stander stays behind and eats later on. During the night and early morning, there are actually two watch standers; one who patrols and maintains the logbook, and another who remains at the entrance of the compartment while the other is roving.

The basic duty of a watch stander is to “greet” anyone who attempts to enter the compartment, and to keep track of certain events in their logbook. Because logbooks can be used in court as legal documents, it is extremely important to keep them legible and accurate, both in basic training and in the fleet. Periodically, they must also patrol the compartment to ensure that conditions are normal (no loose gear, no fires, no recruits hanging out in places where they don't belong, etc.), and any watch stander who is caught not paying attention or goofing off (namely after lights-out, when the division's RDCs are gone, and roaming officers patrol the building's various compartments) will be held accountable for it. Establishing solid watch-standing habits is important, because in some cases, they may be asked to guard the ship while its in a not-so-friendly area.

Approaching the Finish Line

Weeks five and six of training pertain to drill assessments (which is even more important for a 900 Division). Drill is basically a series of marching routines, and movements have to be crisp and precisely synchronized, lest the division start tripping over itself. On its own, marching isn't difficult, but staying in line with 80-some-odd other recruits requires a lot of practice. When its done right, it's actually very awesome to watch and participate in. When its done poorly, its very embarrassing.

If a Division successfully passes their Drill test, they'll be given the right to march from location to location within RTC, without the immediate oversight of their RDCs. If they fail, then the RDCs are unhappy, to say the least. This time period also consists of firefighting training, which might be one of the more exciting parts of the training. Naturally, the training is done in a facility with controlled fires, but real gear is used. As with everything in RTC, this is a team effort, and recruits must take turns at the lead of the firefighting line. Of course, since not all fires are the same (liquid, electrical, etc.), recruits also have to understand how to respond to each of them, especially with respect to fires on board ships.

Around this time, recruits must also experience the “Confidence Chamber”, arguably the single most intimidating event in basic training. Many people dread this event, but it really isn't that bad. Recruits enter a closed room with protective masks on, and must remove them after tear gas is released. The event doesn't last long, but the gas will hit your lungs, eyes, and sinuses, and it will wear off in 15 minutes or so. The entire process is meant to teach recruits to trust their gear and how to use it correctly, more than anything else. If you had any doubts about the integrity of your gas mask before, you won't afterwards.

The Final Test



The final week consists of two main events: Battlestations and graduation. I can't really get into the specifics of what Battlestations actually is, but I can say that it is a long test of everything that recruits have been taught throughout RTC. It's challenging, but by no means impossible (my division had a 100% pass rate, which isn't unusual), and in many ways, its actually kind of fun. During the event you will probably have bonded with your smaller team (7 other people, or so). The event lasts about 10 hours overnight, if I remember correctly. Sleeping or nodding off is strictly forbidden, as you might expect.

Once the event is over, recruits are given their Navy ball caps in an emotional ceremony, which symbolizes their status as a full-fledged Sailor. The RDCs will personally congratulate everyone who passed, which is a significant moment, to say the least. For the first time, the RDCs are speaking to you more as an equal, rather than an undisciplined, unproven candidate. Later that evening, recruits are treated to a big dinner, with lots of food, and the ability to openly converse at the table for the first time. The rest of RTC is mostly paperwork, dress rehearsal for Graduation, and briefing for leaving boot camp and going to your A-School. The atmosphere of military conduct remains, but a certain amount of tension is gone.

Graduation is far and away the most downright awesome part of boot camp, as you and your division can proudly march before a large audience of friends and family members, so that you can be formally introduced as US Sailors. Individual Sailors who greatly exceeded expectations are awarded, and high-ranking officers elaborate on the significance of the event and the importance of fostering new, disciplined generations of Sailors. After graduating, the Sailors are reunited with their loved ones and are allowed to leave the base for the first time in months. Typically, Sailors and their families will go out into town to dine and discuss life, which is obviously emotional. Before a certain time in the evening (8 PM, if I recall correctly), Sailors must return to their Compartments one last time so that they can pack their gear and set off in the morning for A-School. Depending on what their job is, they will either stay in Chicago, or be sent off to another base somewhere across the country.

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That about covers it for my general overview Basic Training. In my next article, I'll offer my personal take on the whole experience. Thanks for reading.

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I’ll begin this editorial with a brief personal account: Way back in my youth, around 3^rd or 4^th grade, I discovered what would eventually become one of my favorite entertainment blocks in all of television: [adult swim]. Granted, there’s no way of justifying some kid who isn't even 10 yet watching content meant for people much older, and my parents certainly didn't condone this, but the block had a hand in shaping a lot of my taste and sense of humor, for better or for worse. Though back then, my attention to the block really only spanned through two shows that headlined the block throughout every weekday: Futurama and Family Guy. Both shows were cancelled at the time and airing through syndicated reruns, and funnily enough, it was those reruns that most likely gave the shows a second chance at life. In any case, aside from maybe The Simpsons, these shows were pretty much my first outlet into the realm of more adult entertainment. And I enjoyed each of them very, very much.

With that said, allow me to preface this for the many who aren't aware of who I am and what I like: I’m not able to call myself a fan of Family Guy anymore. I haven’t been in years, and if it weren't for the fact that I’m older and have already vented enough about my distaste for the show in years past on the forum, I’d probably feel more inclined to write an article dedicated to slamming the show in its current state. However, that’s not what I’m here for. Quite the opposite in fact; I’m going to be talking about the aspects Family Guy that I actually liked. My slightly younger self would've been put off by this very idea, but I've come to realize that I don’t have to spread the hate of a show like this back to the early moments that I actually enjoyed at one point. And going back to those earlier episodes, I can honestly say that they can still get a laugh out of me. Why is that, you ask? Well I’ll go on to tell you right now.

This overview will be less like my previous ones, in that for the sake of keeping this article rather condensed around a single point, I’m only going to be reviewing pre-cancellation Family Guy. The reason for this is not only because of my distaste for the episodes that came after the revival, but also because I stopped watching, for reasons that are self-explanatory. Therefore it wouldn't be just for me to even analyze those seasons beyond broad criticism. Anyway, let’s begin.

Season 1

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While I give a lot of the late seasons crap, I honestly can’t go back to this season and really applaud it for anything either. I wasn’t old enough at the time to be exposed to any of the reactions to the show initially, but I’ve gotten second-hand vibes over the years of the reviews essentially making a lot of observations of it just being a Simpsons clone. It really didn’t help things that the Griffin family was practically an exact parallel to the Simpson family: you have the fat husband, the slim, doting mother, the boy and girl kids, the baby, and the family pet. The only real difference between them is that Brian and Stewie talk while Maggie and Santa’s Little Helper don’t.

It’s kind of easy to see why the premise felt so confined at this point in the series; like a vast majority of shows out there, both good and bad, their early seasons are often very rough around the edges writing-wise in retrospect to the material that comes later. A lot of the reason for this has to do with breaking in each of the characters and finding out what exactly you should do with them to keep them interesting, which is why at first shows can tend to keep a character confined to a quirk or a gimmick before eventually letting them breathe a little bit.

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Season 1 Family Guy is full of instances like these. First off, there are the obvious two examples in the form of Stewie and Brian. Their role at first is basically relegated to being very blatant comedic irony. “Hey, this baby can talk, and is evil and wants to kill his mom!” and “Hey, this dog can talk, and he’s very intellectual and smokes and drinks martinis!” is essentially what they try to hammer into your head in every appearance they make. Pop culture has been so desensitized to these characters at this point that it’s hard to really put yourself back into the time period where this show premiered to imagine how weird, funny or shocking people found this at first. Due to lacking that exposure, however, I can really only judge it based on how I look at it now, and in this instance it just feels very one note.

They aren't the only ones that really fall victim to this though. While Meg wasn’t just relegated to blatant punching bag status, she was almost worse off early on as a very typical “teenage girl” character. It also doesn’t help things that she wasn’t voiced by Mila Kunis yet, and while I have my own issues with her voicing Meg in later seasons, I think she definitely helped add a little more flavor to the character in the next few seasons. Same thing with Chris, for the most part. He always has been the dumb teenage boy, but at first it was executed in a pretty dull manner that didn’t really spotlight anything. And then there’s Lois, who is played off as a very safe, doting mother character, only unlike Marge Simpson, she was never really put in a proper spotlight to highlight these behaviors other than an ordinary wag of the finger at Peter whenever he does something wrong.

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Again, while I express these gripes, it isn’t anything that particularly annoys me. For the most part I find it humorous considering the vulgar and no-holds-barred approach to writing that the show took post-revival. An example of this that I’ve sited a lot of times before from a Season 1 episode is where a joke involves Meg being cut off by Lois before calling herself some variation of the word “bitch”, which is funny when you move forward in the series and characters are willing to drop F-bombs left and right and characters get maimed in brutal ways. To throw this season a bone, I can give the episode "The Son Also Draws" come credit for starting to break the show out of its shell a tiny bit, having Lois succumb to gambling problems and showcasing Peter and Chris in some awkward and funny father-son moments. Even then I'd argue that later episodes like "The Weiner Is..." manage to pull of a similar kind of plot in a much more entertaining manner.

With all that said, it’s time to move on to the next two seasons.

Season 2 and 3

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Here’s where the bulk of the article will lie. Ultimately if I had to sum up the main reason why I these seasons work while the later ones fall flat, it’s because all of the characters are still actual characters rather than solely existing to be outlets for jokes. Underlying commentary is still there from time to time, but it’s a lot easier to digest because rather than throwing a certain set of ideals in your face, it instead throws the characters into certain politically-charged situations and lets them go nuts. Case in point is the episode “Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”, in an episode that essentially revolves around cigarette smoking, the episode isn’t completely overtaken by any sort of message. Peter ends up taking down a cigarette company that is hungry to increase sales through exposing cigarettes to children; while one can take this episode as an anti-smoking message, it’s really not significant enough to ever detract from the actual story, like Peter’s crazy antics as President of this new company, or Brian going through withdrawal after quitting smoking. No matter what your stance is you can enjoy the episode because the characters themselves are enjoyable.

On that note another aspect to this season that puts it over the rest is the sense of sympathy that you get for the characters. That’s not to say that you have to agree with a character in order to find them entertaining, which is not the case. However, in the context of a purely comedic, dysfunctional family sitcom in the case of Family Guy, it’s kind of important to give you some sort of reason to care about the characters. And while the show would eventually deviate from that, I feel as if these two seasons do a pretty good job of giving you good reason to like the characters. Peter acts like an imbecile and often at the expense of others, but he faces repercussions and still realizes that he makes mistakes. Brian, while maintaining his status as the stereotypical intellectual type, still experiences problems of his own and isn't put on a pedestal above other characters solely due to his politics. And the same can be said for basically everyone else.

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The animation also strikes a good middle-ground between the general sloppy look of the early season and the stiff “moving arms back and forth in a ¾ angle perspective” look of the later seasons. While the designs are still pretty simple and don’t really impress as far as originality or detail is concerned, the fact that the show was at least slightly dynamic at this point in time really made all the difference. The characters still move, and while this choice of words is a bit too dramatic for something of this caliber, they feel so much more alive as a result.

Of course, when it comes to Family Guy one of the most recognizable aspects of the show is its reliance on non-sequitur cutaway gags. While present in Season 1, these two seasons are where the show truly starts to become known for them in the way that people think of them today. And while there’s really no difference in execution between the flashbacks during these seasons and the ones that came post-cancellation, simply put, these flashbacks were just much funnier. Maybe it’s due to not showing up after every other line of dialogue that a character says, but the flow just feels more natural. Often times in later episodes flashbacks are used in order to provide an excuse to transition to another scene, serving as the punchline rather than the characters themselves providing it. It still happens in these seasons from time to time, but it’s handled a lot more gracefully. It never feels like they ran out of ideas for jokes and just threw in something random to compensate.

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With that all that said, which episodes in particular stand out to me in these seasons? I already mentioned “Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”, which is up there, but there are others that I looked back to in particular when writing this article that I consider to really be the best that this show has to offer. To me, “Da Boom” is really the moment where the show starts to break off into a lot of the largely non-sequitur territory that it's known for, and “The King is Dead”, an episode about Peter essentially sabotaging Lois's production of The King and I, is a prime example of how well these characters used to interact with one another. “Road to Rhode Island” is noteworthy for arguably being the first episode to showcase Brian and Stewie in what would inevitably become one of the most prominently featured character interactions of the entire show; not to mention that it paved the way for even more “Road to…” episodes. These seasons also treat us to a pretty great Christmas episode acutely titled “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”, which was packed to the brim with jokes and would change things up throughout the plot enough to keep the characters and the story interesting and chaotic.

The Verdict

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It's kind of crazy to think that the show has been back on the air for a decade by now in what could be considered its current format of writing, animation and presentation. It's to the point where those episodes make up the bulk of the show's run, but unlike The Simpsons, which had a much longer golden age and thus is associated with those episodes above all else, Family Guy is primarily known for the way in which it's written today, for better or for worse. The early episodes are kind of a relic in that regard, and almost make it seem like a completely different show entirely.

In short, going over these episodes, I think it’s easy to see exactly why the show ended up becoming so popular in the first place, despite initially seeming like a little show in the shadow of The Simpsons. While it may have morphed into something completely different in the future, I still like to give the show credit for what it once was. If you haven't seen any of these episodes in a while, I recommend checking them out.

I have previously written on my experience in USN Boot Camp. The first article was a summary, while this one will serve as my commentary. With that out of the way, Let's begin.

Facts and Fiction

First and foremost, I want to shatter a misconception. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of the movie Full Metal Jacket will undoubtedly walk away with a certain view of Boot Camp. While there are some kernels of truth in the movie, it doesn't reflect today's training. Perhaps most importantly, RDCs are not allowed, for any reason, to lay an aggressive hand on a recruit. They can physically correct you with jumping jacks, 8-counts, lock and loads, or planks, but they are forbidden from smacking a recruit around. This extends to verbal exchanges as well. RDCs are permitted to criticize a recruit for their bad behavior or performance, but they cannot mock a recruit for their religious beliefs, nationality, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. Not only would it be irrelevant and downright rude, it would probably invite lawsuits.

Movies like Full Metal Jacket also do little to emphasize the positive relations between the recruits. Its true in one regard, divisions have plenty of problems. At best, they're like a big, extended family where everyone looks out for each other and everyone knows your name. At worst, they're like high school-esque drama factories with cliques and disunity. (Fortunately for me, I managed to avoid most of this, and I don't believe that anyone in my division held any resentment toward me). My particular division had only a handful of people above the age of 30, and many of us were barely out of high school. That's not to say that we were immature, but most of us were still quite young. Forming friendships was very common, and I remain friends with most of the 87 (or so) other recruits to this day. Unfortunately, there were no shortage of squabbles and bitterness, but that's pretty unavoidable.

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One thing that Full Metal Jacket got partially correct is that resentment among recruits is possible. It never reached the level of outright revenge or hatred, though. This is because recruits who consistently performed poorly could earn a not-so-positive reputation. Often when a given recruit messed up, the entire division would be punished, presumably because we let them down by not keeping them up to speed with everyone else. To be absolutely clear, we didn't hate each other, but we certainly had our frustrations with recruits who didn't seem to be trying or seemed like they wanted to do things their way. Because the day was so heavily regimented, there was very little time for us to talk between ourselves or air our grievances. After the RDCs left at the end of the day and the lights went out, we would discuss pretty much everything. Sometimes we were just shooting the breeze, but a lot of time was spent addressing problems. If a recruit was struggling to perform a certain task (like preparing gear for inspections or remembering facts), this was the best chance for others to help him or her. Now, because my division was about 50/50 male and female, the males would get their own compartment (separate room), while the females had one across the passageway. Unnecessary fraternizing between the two was forbidden, but that didn't stop two of my fellow Sailors from developing a quiet relationship and getting married after boot camp. I don't really know how they pulled it off, but more power to them.

Now, another common misunderstanding is that Boot Camp is primarily a test of physical endurance. To a certain extent, this is a reasonable view, but is only partially true. After a while, being physically punished by RDCs becomes the norm, and it becomes more of an annoyance than a source of dread. Recruits are only removed from the training if their fitness is truly lacking. Really, the training is a prolonged test of psychological endurance. Feelings of isolation, culture shock, uncertainty, and lack of a familiar social support system (limited contact with family and friends) will test your psychological resolve. If I had to put numbers on it, I would say that it is 70% psychological, 20% physical, and 10% mental. The mental (academic) requirements are not generally tough enough to cause recruits to flunk out, from what I saw.

Contact With the Outside World

A few weeks into training, we finally started receiving mail from home. If I understand correctly, we actually started to receive mail a lot later than other divisions, but I can't say for certain. I have to say- the first time I received letters from home, I was pretty sad. Having contact with the outside world for the was pretty significant, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one. For most of us, getting mail was the highlight of our day, and I actually developed a reputation for getting more mail than pretty much anyone else, and I kept most (if not all) of it after training was over. Now, that's not because I was a rock star back home or anything, but because my family (and extended family) were thoughtful enough to write very frequently. Most of the time, it would be about everyday occurrences, nothing fancy. I'd write back a lot of the time, mostly about how I missed everyone and how training was difficult but doable. Of course, Boot Camp didn't allow most packages in the mail, so it was always funny when somebody received candy in the mail, but had to sheepishly hand it over immediately in front of everyone else. We were supposed to convey that to our friends and family at home, but it happened anyway. Thankfully, it didn't happen to me.

Recruit Division Commanders



Regarding our RDCs, its easy to look back on the experience and laugh. Following basic training, some of my fellow sailors befriended one of our RDCs on Facebook, and there is little to no bad blood to speak of between any of us. But obviously, this didn't change the tough environment that they created. We were held to very precise standards, and it was very rare to go a day without getting physically corrected. One of the worst days of training was when we had our official Drill Inspection. We were a 900 Division, so we placed a greater degree of importance on marching maneuvers. During the graduation ceremony, we would have a specific routine to perfect. We had practiced daily for weeks, but while we passed the inspection, we did not score highly enough to give us the privilege of marching without our RDCs. For a 900 Division, that is about the most embarrassing and unheard-of thing imaginable. Our RDCs were particularly livid that day.

However I must emphasize the fact that RDCs were still human. They weren't cold and uncaring monsters. They made it clear from early on that anything they yelled at us was not personal, and was indeed meant to be constructive. On one particular occasion, a recruit received word from his wife that she had a baby. The entire division was thrilled, and the RDCs calmly congratulated him. That might not seem like that big of a deal, but it shows that they weren't perpetually angry and bitter- they had emotions just like everyone else. If we had honest questions about Navy life, they would answer. If we were learning something for the first time, they would explain it calmly and thoroughly. Near the end of training, they actually sat down and allowed us to blow off some steam and release some stress, namely by imitating their mannerisms and catchphrases. At first we were uneasy, but eventually we did our best impressions of them. Sometimes they were confused, but at other times they laughed just like the rest of us. Early during the final morning, while we waited to board our respective buses to ship out to our A-Schools, one of our RDCs stayed with us and discuss Navy matters just as anyone else would. No yelling, no scolding, just a regular conversation between Sailors. It's hard to blame them for their methods, since they had to condition generations of Sailors to potentially go to war. For what its worth, I don't resent them.

Daily Tasks

I want to talk about the jobs we were given during training. I briefly mentioned this earlier, but I should elaborate some more. We could volunteer for a given job, but you weren't guaranteed to keep that job. Depending on what role you had, you may have been eligible for an advancement in rank after training, which was obviously pretty desirable. At first, they tried out several people for the all-important duties of Recruit Chief Petty Officer and Assistant Recruit Chief Petty Officer (RPOC & AROC, respectively), but we found the best candidates not too far into the training. The RPOC outranked the other recruits, and we were supposed to respect the chain of command by consulting with her before we went to our RDCs if there was a question or concern. The AROC was the 2^nd in command, and had the rather unenviable task of keeping the cadence while we marched. Luckily, he only lost his voice briefly during boot camp, and he did a pretty good job of keeping the cadence right.

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Our Masters at Arms were in charge of cleanliness, and they did a pretty good job. As of a matter of fact, the RDCs commended our male Master at Arms early on as a model recruit because of his seriousness and enthusiasm when responding to orders. The Yeoman took care of the clerical work, though she was assisted by two other Yeoman who dealt with Medical and Dental records. Our Laundry Petty Officers handled the laundry, obviously. Not much else to say about that, other than the fact that nobody envied their jobs. Having to stay on top of the laundry schedule for 40 or so recruits was pretty difficult. We also had Mail Petty Officers and Ironing Petty Officers, who handled their respective duties. As far as I can tell, their jobs were really easy, and I don't recall any of them being directly criticized for their job performance.

Perhaps the least desirable job was the Starboard Watch, who had to keep excellent records in our logbook, which were recorded by multiple watch standers. The logbook kept track of basically everything that happened in the division, and even the slightest mistake would invite the wrath of FQA inspectors. Everything had a very specific way of being recorded, and the Starboard Watch had to stay on top of that. As for my job, I was tasked with keeping track of people as they departed from the division or rejoined it during the day or night. Normally, the Yeoman would do this, but I was given this specific task, presumably so that she'd have a smaller load to carry. Funnily enough, our Yeoman was a tremendous help to me, and she probably saved me from being yelled at on several occasions. At one point, a recruit commented on how I had one of the worst jobs in the division, and I can't say that I disagreed with them. Still, it could have been a lot worse, and it certainly kept me busy.

Battlestations

If you recall, I briefly mentioned Battlestations in my previous article. As I said, this was the final test of knowledge and endurance for the entire division, which lasted for several hours throughout the late night and early morning. Whenever we asked Petty Officers about Battlestations prior to it, we would usually be given vague, blunt responses. Or we would be told to stop worrying about it and focus on the task at hand. Fair enough, since its not something that you can necessarily prepare for in your free time. Now, I can't elaborate on what we did, but I will say that we tested on everything we had learned up until that point.

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By the time Battlestations had rolled around, the division had lost about 13 recruits, mostly for medical reasons. One of the most jarring moments in all of Basic Training was actually the night we were leaving for Battlestations. We were all assembled in ranks, ready to move out. One of our RDCs asked for several recruits to step forward. He read some names out slowly, and at first we were confused, but then we were saddened, because we realized that the names he called out were people who didn't make it, several of whom barely made it to our permanent compartment. His point was: “you've made it too far, don't take this for granted”. None of us were expecting it, and it gave us something to be mindful of.

As for the matter of mentally preparing for Battlestations, we knew that we'd be divided into smaller teams beforehand, which begged the question, who would you want on your team? I can't say if I was the only one who pondered it or not, but I do know that certain recruits were exemplary, model individuals, while others were known for causing problems. That might sound a bit judgmental, but it is very hard to live 2 months with a lot of people without forming an honest opinion about them, one way or another. A day or so prior to the event, our names were called out as we were placed in groups. The other recruits would either cheer or recoil as certain people were called out, which was actually pretty funny. It was obvious who the division believed was awesome, and who they thought was... less than awesome. It was almost like being picked for dodgeball teams at school. However, everyone passed, so it really didn't matter.

Closing Thoughts

The bottom line of the entire experience is that while Boot Camp is difficult, it is by no means impossible. The way I see it, if an average person like me can graduate, a lot of other people probably can as well. Recruits are sometimes asked to perform certain tasks that are for all intents and purposes, impossible. The RDCs expect you to fail, and they want to see how you handle that failure. Being able to bounce back and learn from the experience is important, and it helps condition people to become better Sailors. That's what it's all about.

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That pretty much covers it for Boot Camp. Thanks for reading, and I hope I was able to shed some light on something that most people have limited knowledge of. I'd be happy to elaborate on anything, or answer any questions that you might have.

Season 1 Opening

Being born in the ‘90s had its benefits, especially for those who mostly grew up in this era, because this was around the time when cartoons made for young audiences started to get edgy and leap new bounds as to what the creators were able to get away with. This was around the time when The Ren & Stimpy Show still aired on Nickelodeon, and parents really started questioning what appropriate children’s programming was, and when the mentality of how “cartoons are generally made for kids” was still in effect (you can thank the ‘70s and ‘80s for that). But let’s face facts. When we were younger, we loved the insanity that went on in that small (or for some of us, big) electrical box that is television. Around this time, Ren & Stimpy wasn’t the only cartoon on Nickelodeon that warped our fragile, little minds. There was another that came close, only in my opinion, it added a touch of real life dilemmas that played a part in its scenarios, thus adding a large dose of social satire (by definition, literature or a form of art that pokes fun at certain time periods, groups of people or a single person, or lifestyles and beliefs) relating to topics such as consumerism, politics, and pretty much everything that involved the '90s. That cartoon was Joe Murray’s Rocko’s Modern Life.

THE PILOT

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Trash-O-Madness

"Garbage Day is a very dangerous day."

The series first came to light with a 1992 7-minute pilot episode entitled Trash-O-Madness, which Murray animated at his personal studio. Prior to creating it, he worked on cartoons independently throughout his college career. The concept began when he was making the character for an unpublished comic book in the 1980s which fell through. Around this time, Murray was working on his third indie film My Dog Zero, and he needed money to fund the project, so he salvaged Rocko and made the pilot to pitch to a network. This pilot never aired on television; however, it was included on the Season 2 DVD as a bonus feature, and upon completion, it was sent to Nickelodeon for approval. The pilot involved Rocko, a wallaby who moved from his home country of Australia to the United States that lives alone with his pet dog, Spunky, who has the IQ of a stick. He wakes up to notice that the garbage truck is about to approach his house, so he rushes to get the garbage out in time, all whilst dealing with a rabid dog named Earl (whom we later find out was part of an experiment gone wrong), and eventually dealing with a green slimeball found in his trash bin that’s really alive.

As it begins, you’ll notice that the intro looks a lot different than the one they decided to stick with when the series began. Another thing you’ll notice is that Rocko’s skin has a yellowish hue. This was because Murray intended the character to be yellow, but was changed to a beige color at the request of Nickelodeon so they could sell merchandise. Lastly, the animation is a bit rougher than what you’ll normally see in the rest of the show. In fact, the pilot was re-edited and placed into a regular episode as the second half, the first half being The Good, The Bad, and the Wallaby. Watching this version, which is 4 minutes longer than the original pilot, you can tell what scenes are from the original pilot, and what was put in to fill the other four minutes. Nevertheless, the pilot did contain what would be standard throughout the series, such as the overall concept of a wallaby from Australia living in the United States getting into strange predicaments whilst dealing with everyday life. Rocko’s voice didn’t change either after the pilot. He was voiced by comedian Carlos Alazraqui, who would later be known for voicing Winslow in Nickelodeon’s later hitCatDog, the Chihuahua mascot for Taco Bell, and would also play the role of Deputy James Garcia in Comedy Central’s live-action spoof ofCops,Reno 911! He would continue voicing the titular character throughout the entire run.

The show took its place alongside Ren & Stimpy and their biggest hit Rugrats as part of the Nicktoons family upon approval from MTV, and Murray was given a crew of animators and writers, along with creative freedom (something that is rarely seen nowadays) to create his series, and thus, we begin it all with...

SEASON 1

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The Good, The Bad, and the Wallaby

"Which is funnier, bananas or cheese?"

When the first season began, the animation somewhat improved in quality, similar to what happened with The Simpsons when it turned from a small 4-5 minute skit on The Tracy Ullman Show to a 30-minute TV show, however, it was a little rough around the edges at times, and some of the colors looked a bit washed out. Nevertheless, there was plenty of room to improve, and things were beginning to get rolling, as we are first introduced to the rest of the characters that would make their debut in future episodes, starting with the very first episode, where we are introduced to Rocko’s best friend Heffer (voiced by Tom Kenny), a fat, naïve steer (often mistaken for a cow) that has a terrible habit of eating way too damn much, but does care for Rocko’s well-being. Then we have Rocko’s other best friend Filburt (voiced by Doug “Mr.” Lawrence), a turtle with some rather strange social issues and is the victim of unusual circumstances (i.e. getting the same "bad luck" messages inside fortune cookies). Lastly, we have the next door neighbors, the Bigheads (both voiced by Charlie Adler), whom Joe Murray based off of the next door neighbors he used to have growing up. There are also other characters thrown into the mix, such as the Chameleon Brothers, who own several businesses for various services, the superhero Really Really Big Man, who has some pretty...odd superpowers relating to his nipples and chest hairs, and the duo of Bloaty the Tick and Squirmy the Ringworm, who live on the back of Spunky and satirize classic sitcoms, namely Gilligan's Island and I Love Lucy, complete with their own intro sequence, making it a show-within-a-show.

Along with the pilot, the first season was responsible for basically setting the stage of what we are going to expect with future episodes in future seasons. Environments are warped as if we were stuck in a drug-induced dream from the perspective of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, and the humor is almost on par with Kricfalusi’s Ren & Stimpy, in that it’s a bit raunchy to the point where Nickelodeon’s censor board was starting to ask questions. Think of it as a modernized version of Wackyland from that one Porky Pig cartoon. After all, this was made at the time when television animation was going through an overhaul, as a lot of the cartoons that aired in the ‘80s were basically 30 minute advertisements for children’s toys (admit it, you know that is true), and cartoons happened to be labeled as “kid’s entertainment”. In fact, one of the episodes was outright banned from being aired again during the show’s run due to complaints from parents about its sexual humor (“Leap Frogs”). There was also a scene removed in the episode “The Good, The Bad, and the Wallaby” after one airing where Heffer uses a milking machine on a farm and finds pleasure, implying masturbation. Speaking of, the fast-food restaurant that Rocko and friends frequent throughout is called Chokey Chicken, another reference to masturbation. The difference here is that they got away with this no sweat (for now, at least). Mind you that the deleted scenes in this and future episodes were not restored when they appeared on DVD in the U.S. Not even my Complete Series DVD set has them, which is a shame. However, everything else remained intact, including what I think is the dirtiest episode of all, "Clean Lovin'", where Spunky falls in love...with a mop.

Overall, the first season as a whole kicked things off nicely, but it was only the beginning for this wallaby and his troupe.

SEASON 2

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Boob Tubed

"Let the TV party begin!"

The second season began in September of 1994, 10 months after the end of the first season. One thing you’ll notice, as soon as the first episode of the season begins, the theme song changed to the one that we all recognize. The theme song from here until the last episode of the last season would be performed by two of the members of the ‘90s alternative group, The B-52s. Not only did it follow up the previous season with more edgy hi-jinx that we’ve enjoyed thus far, there were a couple milestones for the series that became notable. For one, the series got its first two-parter here, which opens up the second season. The episode is entitled “I Have No Son”, and we are introduced to yet another character, and though a minor character, he does serve a purpose in the series. The character is Ralph Bighead, a grumpy cartoonist who has his own studio and is the descendent of Ed and Bev Bighead, Rocko’s toad neighbors, and coincidentally, he is voiced by the creator of the show himself, Joe Murray. Secondly, Rocko got his one and only Christmas special, simply entitled “Rocko’s Modern Christmas”. It was basically a holiday-themed two parter talking about getting into the Christmas spirit and pretty much every other thing you’ve heard constantly from every Christmas movie and TV special out there. Altogether, the second season had a total of three two-part episodes.


The second season got more in-depth with character development, such as the relationships between Rocko, Heffer, and Filburt, and some more of the Bigheads’ backstory, again, with the addition of Ralph Bighead. Not only this, but one key entity is introduced here in the series’ universe: Conglom-O, the multi-billion dollar company that Ed Bighead works for, which has an intimidating slogan under its name that says “We Own You”. It basically serves as satirical symbolism on corporate America, where the fear of a giant conglomerate organization that pretty much controls everything, including water, electricity, economy, and even the entire government becomes reality. In this case, it’s a company that owns an entire town. As a kid, I never really paid any attention to that, because…well…I was a kid. I didn’t know jack, but as an adult with a college education, it’s clear as crystal. See, this is the beauty of looking back at cartoons you watched as a kid. There’s a lot of things that went over your head when you were younger, and when you go back to watch them, you fully appreciate what went into making the show.

SEASON 3

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Zanzibar

"♫ We're a big, unruly mob! ♫"

The third season, even though it doesn’t really top what the second season accomplished, is still one of the best seasons in the show’s run, simply because a lot of the episodes in this season, to me, are the funniest. That's not to say a lot of the episodes from prior seasons (and some of season 4) weren't as funny, but a lot of these were just pure gold. Some of the episodes that caught my attention include one where Rocko and Heffer take a tour of France, which happens to be hosted by a psychotic bus driver ("I See London, I See France"), a two parter where Filburt gets married to the hook-handed Dr. Hutchison ("The Big Question" and "The Big Answer"), and the only silent episode where Rocko purchases an anthropomorphic juicer that makes his life a living hell ("Fatal Contraption"). However, the episode that stuck out to me (and probably most of you who watched the show growing up) is the two-parter episode, “Wacky Deli”, which also sees the return of Murray’s alter ego from the previous season, Ralph Bighead. This episode stood out because it has the best writing, the best jokes, and the best overall punchline. In fact, most people, when they think of this show, the first thing that comes to mind is this episode, and we all know the reason why...

Not only was this episode the funniest, in my opinion, I also loved the concept behind it. It served as a look at what goes into making a cartoon, even though the steps they go through is really just the bare bones. I could go on talking about what goes into the making of an animated show or movie, but if I were to do that, this article would be longer than the entirety of Gone With The Wind. Nevertheless, the story behind the episode and the interactions between our three main characters is just pure comedy gold, illustrating what could go wrong during the animation process that might actually be for the best.

One other episode that stuck out to me was the episode "Zanzibar". Why this was called that, I will never know, but here, Murray decided to show that he is pro-green, as in, he made an environmental episode about pollution and recycling, and to top it all off, he made it into a musical episode, similar to what would happen in an episode ofBuffy the Vampire Slayer. All I can say about it is that once you see it, you won’t be able to get any of the songs out of your head for a long while. This, I think was Murray’s intention, as in, he wants to make sure that everyone got the message to recycle, not to dump your trash, don't cut down trees, etc. hammered into your brain, and to this day, he continues to channel this message, even in his next cartoon series Camp Lazlo and his web series Frog in a Suit, just not in a musical fashion. But overall, this and "Wacky Deli" are pretty much in my top 5 favorite episodes, and the season as a whole was an absolute joy to watch.

SEASON 4

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Sailing the Seven Zzz's

"I've come for what's mine, and I'll have none of your sauce!"

The fourth and final season of the series didn’t really change much from the third season, aside from a few minor differences. The episodes were more kid-friendly this time around, as the censors at Nickelodeon were starting to take notice about what is allowed on the network, so a few things were changed (i.e. “Chokey Chicken” is renamed “Chewy Chicken”). But aside from that, there’s not much difference from what was set in stone in prior seasons, so there really isn't much to say. The humor was still there, and we get to see the characters get involved into more shenanigans as usual. But did it leave that big of a mark on the series as a whole? Not really. In essence, it's similar to that of the first season in that the characters just get into random, weird scenarios relating to what's going on in the real world, with no two-parters or specials whatsoever.

Granted this season had a slew of great episodes, like the episode "Yarnbenders", where Rocko and Heffer read a sick Filbert a fairy tale with them in it...a rather warped fairy tale where Heffer wants to be a princess at the ball and Rocko as his date, all whilst enduring the perils spawned by an evil witch, who happens to be Filburt. There's also the episode entitled "Sailing the Seven Zzz's" (pictured above) where Ed Bighead acts like a pirate threatening Rocko to hand over a non-existent treasure map, all whilst he's sleeping (don't ask and don't question it). Aside from that, the fourth season pretty much did what the first season has done, and there isn't much to say about it. I cannot say that this is the worst season of them all, because none of the seasons were at all terrible, but I can say that this is the one that didn't accomplish much in the long run.

FINAL THOUGHTS AND CONCLUSION

Unfortunately, you could tell when things were coming to an abrupt end when you get to the last few episodes, because that's when they were wrapping things up. In fact, the last episode, which pits the characters into debating whose ancestors founded the city of O-Town...and that's it. No farewells or anything like it. What I think happened was that the show was cancelled after 3 years of being on the air, but don't quote me on it. But even if it only had 4 seasons in a span of three years, it did its job, and it did it well. Not only did it have great commentary behind it that reflected '90s culture, but it was also a great, adult-oriented show that aired on a family network. A video game was made for the Super Nintendo in 1994 to mixed reception (mainly because the entire game was an escort mission), VHS tapes containing a couple or several episodes were released under Paramount Pictures, and there was a slew of merchandise including toys and plushies. As for the show itself, after its cancellation, the series forever ran in re-runs...for at least a few more years until a newer Nicktoons lineup came to be. You know, when shows like Spongebob Squarepants, The Fairly Oddparents, and Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius saw the light of day.

In conclusion, Rocko’s Modern Life is a cartoon that is not only responsible for taking part in the overhaul of television animation, but became one of the highlights for Nickelodeon’s legendary Nicktoons line, let alone being one of the best cartoons of the ‘90s in my opinion. As I mentioned earlier, the series is available on DVD, and last I checked, the complete series set is around $20-$30, and trust me when I say that it's worth the buy. The question remains, however: Should the series be rebooted a la Mike Judge's Beavis and Butthead? My answer: No. It was a product of its time, and even if it gets to the point where its a few decades old, it'll hold up well on its own, and that's probably the best compliment you can give a TV show when it's done right.

Indie games, much like any other development area of videogames, have a bit of a reputation towards trends and a constant glut of similar genre games, attempting to capitalize on – or, if you're more of a cynic, cash in on – whatever genre is popular at the time. Once it was odd, short games like The Graveyard. Other times it was games about building and open-world exploration, like Minecraft and its ilk. And then sometimes it was zombies and less blocky, more “realistic” survival games.

More recently, games with roguelike elements have come into their own, oftentimes combined with other genres to provide a fresh twist on a less niche formula. Spelunky added roguelike elements to a platformer. FTL was a game about space travel and strategic ship battles. Rogue Legacy was a roguelike Metroidvania. And while the combination of roguelikes with other genres helped to keep the roguelike aspects fresh in some ways, it always made me wonder how long it would last. Many of these games have roguelike elements, but are much heavier on whatever other genre the roguelike was combined with. As someone who thoroughly enjoys roguelikes, I was always curious to see whether or not a game that used another genre to accentuate the roguelike, rather than the other way around, would ever come out, especially since “roguelike elements” is starting to become a point of derision recently.

Crypt of the Necrodancer, thankfully, helped to fill that gap for me. Initially playable last year in an early access phase, the full game was released in April of 2015 for the PC. The game is a rhythm-based, turn-based roguelike, where the player has to perform their actions to the beat of the game's background music, whether they're navigating the dungeon, attacking enemies, using items, collecting equipment or casting spells. When put into words, the concept is rather simple, and it is indeed easy to grasp for newcomers, but the game manages to shine thanks to the rest of the elements working in harmony with the rhythm-based turns.

The game starts off without much ado, using a brief introductory cutscene to introduce the premise: a young girl named Cadance enters a graveyard, shovel in hand, but the earth opens up under her feet, causing her to plummet underground and, rather abruptly, die when her head hits a rock. However, during her brief death, a strange sorceror appears from nowhere, steals Cadance's heart, and disappears, not only reviving her, but cursing her heart to beat to music. Between the game's four different “zones”, cutscenes will play, but the story as a whole is mostly inconsequential; you can even turn the cutscenes off if you wish, and it may be a good idea, as they can cause crashes for some folks.

After this, the game swiftly moves on to a beat checker and a tutorial for new installations. The tutorial is thankfully quite short and to the point, only providing the absolute essentials of gameplay and keeping the majority of other tricks and abilities tucked away for later, and after the tutorial, the game immediately sets you on your first run through Zone 1. It's most likely that new players will end up dying at some point during this first expedition into the crypt, upon which they'll be plunked down into the game's lobby, which serves as a cross between a hub level and a main menu for various functions, like heading back into the dungeon or changing your character.

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Outmaneuvering your enemies is the key to progress... as long as you don't have two left feet!

The game has ten playable characters accessible from part of the lobby, each with their own little gimmicks that make them stand out from Cadance: one has infinite bombs and can kick them, but never finds normal weapons. Another is a pacifist that can't use weapons and can only confuse enemies. One of the later characters moves in double-time, taking two turns for each beat. The rest of the lobby's functions are much more interesting, and even though similarities could be drawn between them and some other indie roguelikes, I think the way they've been implemented works very well. The player can find diamonds while out crawling, and these serve as currency for the lobby shops, letting the player buy new items to appear in the dungeon's zones, or to buy permanent upgrades, like extra heart containers or a permanent increase to their coin multiplier.

However, these only affect single-zone runs – the player can either choose to start from Zone 1 and go through the whole dungeon (which automatically unlocks every item and spell, but starts the player off without their health or coin upgrades), or to play just one zone instead. This helps to keep pressure off of players in some ways: new players or players still wanting to unlock stuff or practice can play a single zone, while experienced crawlers can try running all zones or attempt self-imposed challenges.

Rogue Legacy had a similar setup, unlocking new classes and upgrading player health, magic and abilities the further they went, but one of my criticisms of that game is that this sort of made the game feel like it got easier over time. Crypt of the Necrodancer, on the other hand, manages to avoid that thanks to a constant, sensible escalation of many of its enemies, hazards and even its music, in a rather subtle and clever way. Even the visuals tie into this, with good spriting, charming animation and small words of text easily helping to illustrate and help players understand without much trouble.

For instance, the first zone has water tiles that the player can sink in when traversed. The player must take a beat to climb out, and then the water becomes normal terrain. The second zone has mud instead, which never disappears and is slow to navigate across. Then hot coals that damage the player if stood on or walked across without stepping on a normal tile before and after each, or ice that makes the player slide in whatever direction they stepped towards, or magic tiles that shrink the player, leaving them unable to do anything and extremely vulnerable to damage.

One of the smartest aspects of the game is how the player must defeat a miniboss or perform some sort of task in order to unlock the stairs leading to the next floor. Each floor of the dungeon has its little hidden secrets, chests, and always a shop for the player to find, but the layouts are always very compacted, leaving enough room to explore or breathe without feeling too linear or too big. However, if the player could simply rush to the stairs without any prerequisites, it would be too easy to simply bum-rush the game. Having the minibosses is a smart way to encourage the player to explore and find weapons, gold and items in order to stock up and equip themselves for the rest of the dungeon, especially in preparation for the bosses encountered at the end of each zone.

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The bosses in particular can be deviously creative, ranging from an ape running a conga line to a half-aquatic half-instrument monster that actively plays its own background music.

Of course, it's impossible to talk about the game without discussing the rhythm aspect, and put plainly, the game would not be anywhere near worth talking about without this little quirk. That's not to say that it's bad without the rhythm aspect – the game even has a Bard character that doesn't have the rhythm requirement, turning the game into a normal turn-based roguelike. In fact, I'd even say that playing as the Bard early on is a good way to dip your feet into the game for that very reason.

But because of how moving and playing to the beat forces the player to constantly stay on their toes, Crypt of the Necrodancer becomes more than the sum of its parts. Unlike other rhythm games, which are mostly about memorizing a pattern of inputs to play to a song, Crypt of the Necrodancer has multiple things that the player has to keep track of. The player needs to dance through the dungeon, read enemy patterns, mull over whether to buy that certain item or not, use bombs, navigate around traps and hazards, all while performing every action within a very short timeframe. Everything in the game, from the music, to the enemies, to the dungeons, even the sounds and animations, are designed to work in sync with the rhythm. If they hadn't, if it had just been a normal turn-based game, it wouldn't work nearly as well.

Unfortunately, that's where one of the big problems I have with the game comes in: the music and rhythm gameplay is great, and the soundtrack is one of the highlights, but at times it just doesn't quite gel, both in terms of actual gameplay and in terms of side activities. Admittedly, it's unfair of me to harp on the game for the former due to the heavier emphasis on the roguelike part of it, but sometimes, when I don't have a strong weapon to fight enemies with and I don't have enough room to maneuver, when I end up surrounded and completely unable to escape, it becomes grating. Most deaths in the game are easy to trace back to a misstep or a wrong move under the pressure of the beat, but sometimes a failed run can feel more cheap than anything else.

The problem I have with the side activities and the music is that, sad to say, the custom music option leaves a lot to be desired. Being able to “play with your own MP3s” was something advertised during one of the game's trailers, and it was something I was really intrigued to test out, but when I tried it, it felt very clunky. It should come as no surprise that attempting to use music without a consistent or steady beat won't work, but many of the songs that did have a consistent beat that I tried didn't seem to take to the beat detector as well as they ideally should have.

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There's nothing quite as welcome as the sight of a shop's golden walls, or the sound of the shopkeeper's amusingly wide vocal range.

It wasn't an enormous flaw, since the beat detector was fairly accurate... but when trying to play with 'Battlefield – Storm', or 'Mount Horn', it became clear very quickly that the beats, while close, were just off enough to not match up, making the game very irritating to play. I'm not sure whether it's because of the MP3s I'm using, the songs themselves, or my game's beat calibration, but something about it just doesn't work. It's a shame, considering how much appeal the idea can have for players. However, the game does have support for other custom modifications, such as changing the sprites or tilesets, and since these are purely visual and not quite as technical, the visual mods for the game tend to work much better.

However, these are mostly minor gripes, things that aren't necessary to truly enjoy the game, and in all honesty the game is so enjoyable to play that it's easy to ignore the custom music and, after the initial sting, shrug off the occasional annoying death and keep on playing. Crypt of the Necrodancer manages to take a roguelike and turn it into a surprisingly fresh experience thanks to its rhythm gameplay, charming design and excellent tunes. If you've been itching for a crawler that's easy to pick up and play for a few minutes or for an hour or few, this is certainly worth the time.

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Welcome back to this year’s YouChew E3 Awards! We're here once again for our annual tradition of celebrating greatness, laughing at mediocrity, and projectile vomiting at the abhorrent. Your votes have been counted, and it's time to hand out the dubious medals of dishonor. Without further delay, here are your 2015 YouChew E3 Award winners!

The “You Are Tearing Me Apart, Reggie!” Award
For the most unintentionally funny moment

Every year has its fair share of unintentionally funny moments, and this year was no exception. EA manned the helm with a lot of hilariously bad moments, starting when they showed off their new Minions game, only for the revelation that the graphics were hideously disgusting. Then later they brought on Martin Sahlin, the developer presenting Unraveled, who couldn't quite keep his composure as his hands uncontrollably trembled. And then there was Pele, who sat down to give us a wonderful 7 minute ramble that really had nothing to do with anything (don't worry, he'll be coming back up again very soon). Of course, we'd be remiss not to mention the PC Gaming show where Hakan Abrak, who was there to present Hitman, had his mic malfunction, forcing him to get up close and personal with the host to use his mic and whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

Trumping them all, however, was none other than Sony, who came ready to wow the world with their Uncharted 4 demo. We were wowed all right...just not in the way that Sony probably wanted us to be.

Most of the trailer was standard stuff. But the first two and a half minutes were just breathtaking. First, Sony left us squirming in anticipation for about 30 seconds of a blank screen before the video actually started. Once it did, we watched as Drake underwent great internal struggle, refusing to walk through the crowd for another 30 seconds. But then the biggest bombshell was dropped: an amazing new time travel mechanic where Drake can cause the demo to start all over again. This could be the Citizen Kane of gaming, people; perhaps living life in a constant loop will cause Drake to question his own ethics, and he'll be forced to come to terms with not only his own morality, but even his own mortality.

Or maybe Sony could run a few more tests before showing off their demos next year.

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The “Great Job, Jeremy!” Award
For the most patronized on-stage performer

In the same way that E3 often inspires accidental hilarity, it can also inspire awkward staging between presenters. There was the aforementioned Hitman guy, a fellow at Ubisoft's conference dressed as an Assassin who Aisha Tyler desperately tried to play off of, and multiple people in awkward costumes, one of whom was dressed up as one of the new zombies in Plants vs Zombies 2: Garden Warfare.

He appeared at both Microsoft and EA's shows, dancing on stage to "Danger Zone". He waved to the audience, as if asking for cheers, applause, anything. But there was nothing. No applause. No laughter. Just awkward silence. At the end of his second dance number at EA's show, a speaker walked on stage, comically "demanding" him to leave, but given the audience reaction, it almost seemed genuine. It was awkward, unfunny, and downright embarrassing.

Oh well. Maybe we would've had a better reaction if they played this instead.

I'd play it.

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The “Rock Band 3, Fucking Finally” Award
For the biggest bait and switch

In past years, we've struggled to find nominees for this award. It's based on the notion of expecting a certain game and getting something completely different. And, to its dubious credit, E3 is often very predictable in what it's going go show, as presenters telegraph trailers light years in advance.

That being said, hoo boy. This could very well be the theme of this year's E3. There were so many bait and switches that it'll make your head spin. Some of them were earnest surprises; we had no idea what the trailers for For Honor or Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Wildlands were for until the names popped up in the end, but we weren't expecting anything much. We also thought that when Bethesda brought up Fallout for iOS that we'd be getting a remake of the older games, but instead we got Fallout Shelter, a neat F2P Fallout-themed resource management game.

Then there was the trailer for Elder Scrolls Online; many of us were hoping for a genuine, real new Elder Scrolls to be announced at Bethesda's conference, but nope, just another trailer for the game we never bought and never will. Then there was Sony's conference; when the Square Enix logo showed up, we all thought we'd be seeing some Final Fantasy XV action, but instead we got "World of Final Fantasy", a bizarre chibi-style game that nobody asked for and which received zero audience reaction.

Veering even more on the negative were Animal Crossing showing up on Wii U...only as a crummy Mario Party clone instead of a full-blown game, and Gabe Newell being teased at the PC Gaming conference but never once showing his chubby face.

But above all else, the crowning achievement for bait-and-switches goes to Square Enix and its dicking around with Kingdom Hearts III.

If it wasn't enough for them to baffle people with World of Final Fantasy, once their own conference went underway, they proceeded to talk about Kingdom Hearts...the new mobile game! And then they'd finally get on to the game they were here to talk about...but first!!

Needless to say, the buttcheeks of all of the audience and everyone at home were clenched tight enough to crush a grape, yet we were constantly jerked around like we were their chew toy. It's funny that they're messing with us! Ha ha! It's not like Square Enix is in dire straits and needs to get its act together; it can afford to piss off their fans at every turn! Oh wait.

We'd like to give this award to the entirety of E3 this year, but if one instance must be singled out, then Square Enix takes the cake. At least we eventually did get that trailer for Kingdom Hearts III...even though it still lacks any kind of release window.

Whoops.

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The “My Body Wasn’t Ready” Award
For the biggest “Oh SNAP” moment of the show

It's safe to say that in terms of surprise megaton announcements, Sony easily stole the show this year. While the rest of their show was good, it was the one-two-three punch of The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII's remake, and Shenmue III of all things that caught everyone's eye. Each one was a big surprise that hardly anyone saw coming.

As awesome as it was to see Final Fantasy VII's opening show up in modern HD graphics, and as gratifying it was to be assured that The Last Guardian had escaped development hell, nobodyexpected Shenmue III, a sequel to a series over a decade since its last title. To see a game we had long since abandoned for dead come back with full force was one of the best announcements of the whole show.

We may not have been ready for this announcement, but we sure as hell were ready to throw our money into its Kickstarter.

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The “Exciting Dog Action!” Award
For the most boring game due to lack of innovation

Ah, E3. A time of reveals, of surprise, of innovation and advancement. A time when we can see all of the fantastic new titles the games industry has in store.

Oh wait, this is the games industry. Which means it's gonna be more of the same.

Yes, the usual old horses were trotted out again this year. Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 revealed that, surprise, it is a futuristic military shooter that somehow looks even more boring than Advanced Warfare. Assassin's Creed Syndicate gave us the shocking reveal that it is a game about assassinating people in a famous old city. What a shocking twist! And lest we forget all of the cars games, from Forza to Need for Speed to the Crew, all of which lovingly panned over each of their digital cars as if just the thought of choosing your paint job was getting the developers off.

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Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby.

Above all else, though, no franchise has the ability to make us give less of a fuck than the venerated and legendary EA Sports games.

It's always important to come out and say this up front, but we aren't exactly the target audience for these types of games. We like action games, games with deep stories, games where you shoot things, kill things, or marry anime waifus. In other words, we don't usually care for sports games.

And yet...come on, guys. You have to be able to do better than this.

Even someone who's not a fan of fighters could be intrigued when watching gameplay of Super Smash Bros, and those who couldn't care less about shooters can at least be interested when watching Halo V footage. But these sports games are so boring. Year after year, it's the same old dance. It's football, guys! You can buy football again! It has slight roster changes that could've been added via DLC, but who cares, $60 please! We have facial recognition software now! Aw yeah!

This wouldn't be such a problem if it weren't for the fact that EA has a monopoly on most sports titles; a little competition wouldn't hurt, and it would make EA get off their asses and make these games actually interesting. But people keep buying them, so what do we know. The very least you could do is not spend a good half of your 86 minute press conference going on and on about sports games.

EA, get off your asses and innovate. If you don't, then this award will don your shelf every year alongside your elementary school basketball trophies.

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“Jack Black’s Octagonal Emblem”
For the most cringe-worthy and painful game/presentation to sit through

Oh Ubisoft. You never fail to disappoint.

They've taken this dubious award home every year since its inception, and this year's no exception. Oh sure, Square Enix constantly replaying trailers we had already seen at previous conferences was painful to sit through, and EA dragging us through a Minions game with laughably bad graphics was torturous, but when it comes to wanting to yell "STOP" into your computer screen, none trigger that feeling better than Ubisoft.

Aisha Tyler was annoying for a majority of the conference, but no moment encapsulated her annoyance more than when, upon finding a crowd member dressed as an Assassin, tried to "come up with a meme" with him.

"We should come up with a meme really quick for this show." "Do you have a meme you want to pitch?"

Fun fact, Aisha: nobody "comes up with a meme". Memes are generated by happenstance, usually by complete accident. You don't get to decide on what becomes a meme, it's the internet that will fester and generate them like a swarm of bees producing honey. Ever heard of Milhouse? Perhaps you should do a little bit of research next time before you decide it would be hip and hilarious to "make a meme".

Stop it, Aisha.

Just stop.

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The “We Can Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son”Award
For the most unsettling corporate partnership

...We don't get it.

Is it supposed to be funny? Is the joke that you don't normally drink Mountain Dew out of wine glasses? Or that you don't normally drink wine while playing video games? Or that all people who play video games worship Mountain Dew at their Shrine of Doritos?

It just fails on so many levels.

This certainly wasn't the only corporate sell-out this year. We saw Xbox gobble up both Oculus and Valve VR. We had Sony try to act like it was ruling over a lot of smaller companies by saying their games would be "PlayStation First" (PR bullshit for "it'll be on PC and Xbox eventually"). And then there was the fact that Sony "presented" Shenmue III, then revealed that they wanted fans to donate to the Kickstarter and that they would have no input towards its funds whatsoever.

But the most egregious example of brand name dropping was indeed spending quality time towards worshiping Mountain Dew's majesty. Maybe they want to get in bed with both Xbox and PC? Either way, it was pretty abhorrent to watch.

It doesn't even taste that good...

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The “ESPN Experience” Award
For the announcement/presentation that had the least to do with video games at a conference about video games

We promised we'd be getting back to Pele.

"Beautiful."

So in the midst of EA's nonstop rambling about their sports games, they figured that they'd have someone else ramble about sports for them instead. So they invited Pele onto the stage, and for seven minutes straight he went on a wild and unfocused tangent about soccer.

We're no strangers to randomly inserted guest stars, but they're usually there to disingenuously explain how excited they are for the game they're there to whore out for before walking backstage and collecting their check. But this was just baffling. Pele just went on and on about his own life, about the game of soccer, and a lot more things we couldn't make out through his accent.

Uh...video games? Remember those, guys? Uh...hello?

There was also the ceremonial random dance party when Ubisoft showed off their latest Just Dance game, and all of the technical jargon for AMD graphics cards and other tech talk at the PC show, but Pele's "interview' was by far the most confusing diversion from gaming.

That being said, we'd rather listen to his pointless speeches than play the game he's there to sell.

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The “Girl-Wooden Plaque”
For the worst excuse of a "Girl Gamer"

You know, we'll be honest: E3 was actually pretty good with gender representation. A lot of women were up on stage, and they weren't just there for eye candy or to say "Hey, I'm a gamer too! My elite score is legit, yo!" They were respectable developers and presenters there to talk about games just like the men were. This year was so good that we really didn't need to hold a ballot for this award, and we were probably just going to skip it.

Unfortunately, Aisha Tyler is still Aisha Tyler.

Look Aisha, the swearing, the "girl wood", the whole shtick...it just isn't working for you. You can probably be funny; you're a lead on Archer for crying out loud. But it's just not working here.

Until you actually become funny, or at least less painfully obnoxious, we're going to keep on handing this award out to you. Hope you appreciate it; we know you like your wood.

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“Usher’s Plastic Disco Ball”
For the most shoehorned-in celebrity

Oh hey, Pele! Welcome back!

Yes, Pele certainly wasn't the only celebrity we saw this year: Usher showed us that he was the "hoop god" and we got Jason Derulo to randomly show off his dance moves for Just Dance. But did they sit us down for 7 minutes of Storytime with Pele? I don't think so.

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As mentioned before, the irony is that Pele wasn't even shelling out the game that much unlike, say, Usher wanting to show off his mad basketball deity...ness. Instead, we were told a beautiful story by Pele for 7 minutes, and then he went off on his way.

Farewell, Pele. May you return next year to make EA's conference slightly less tedious.

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“Mr. Caffeine’s Bronze Coffee Mug”
For the worst performer of the show

Do we need to say anything? You all know who the winner is.

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In case you can't tell from afar, the necklace says "Bitchwood". Well said.

Every single year since the beginning of these awards, Ubisoft has walked home with the Bronze Coffee Mug of the illustrious Mr. Caffeine. But why? They haven't always had the worst shows; hell, in 2012, they were voted to have the best, and yet Toby still won this award that year. And every year since, Aisha's taken this award home with her.

She wasn't the only bad speaker this year. We had Yosuke Matsuda at Square Enix's conference, whose robotic voice and dead expression reflected the deadness in the eyes of the audience watching. We had Martin Sahlin barely able to compose himself when presenting Unraveled. We had all the nameless schmucks trying to make us believe that EA Sports games were hip and edgy. And of course we had Sean Plott at the PC Gaming show, who picked up the bad comedy routine from Aisha.

But nobody can out-Ubisoft Ubisoft when it comes to painfully unfunny comedy.

Swearing, overacting, and trying to "come up with a meme", Aisha's been a pain to watch since she first stepped on the stage, and that probably won't stop until she steps off the stage. And yet, should that happen, the spirit of Mr. Caffeine will certainly pass on to the next Ubisoft presenter. For he is watching eternally. He is waiting. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and always present. And through Aisha Tyler or whoever stands on that Ubisoft stage, he will be certain that Ubisoft will always have the absolute worst performers.

Doodly doodly doop.

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“The Concrete Donkey”
For the company that made the biggest ass out of themselves, in both presentation and content

In terms of quality, this year was all across the board. That's not necessarily a bad thing; we had some great shows, some mediocre ones, and then we had the godawful ones.

Nintendo pissed off a lot of fans with few new reveals, and the games that were revealed incited anger (Metroid fans are still gathering their stakes to pin Iwata to the wall). EA went on and on and on with sports, and anything not sports-related was equally tedious and dull. Square Enix repeatedly insulted its viewers by showing trailers we had already seen and pretending to show things we wanted but then switching to more garbage. And of course Ubisoft had Aisha Tyler strut out a million Tom Clancy games in the hopes that people might care.

But as we watched these, we were hopeful that a new show all about PC Gaming would make up for them. After all, a lot of us on here are PC gamers, so it would probably be great, or at least interesting. Maybe we'd even see Gabe Newell announce a new game!

What we got, however, was the worst show of them all.

The "fun" started at 5 PM PST, when the show was scheduled to start. However, we were instead greeted with a notification that the show would start at 6, and that we would be presented with an hour of trivia. Stupid as this was, we could just walk off for the next hour and come back (though some brave souls endured the full hour of anticipation and stupid "trivia" questions). Then the show began, and it was to be mediated by Sean Plott, otherwise known as day9, otherwise known as Host by the YouChew chat. Instead of standing at a normal stage, he was seated at a desk, and had a couch for guests to sit on. So instead of a conference, this was to be a talk show.

And that was what we got.

For the next two hours, longer than any other show beforehand (longer than even Microsoft or Sony, who usually are the biggest of the bunch), Plott interviewed developers for either games we already knew about or indie games that didn't impress and nobody cared about. There were a few funny moments, such as when a developer arrived to discuss Hitman only for his microphone to break, causing him to lean close to Plott so he could be heard by both the audience and Plott's heart. Other than that, though, this was just a boring slog.

Now, time for a little personal talk here. When I was watching the show, it was late. I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I was hungry. But if I walked away long enough to cook dinner, Gabe Newell might've shown up, presented Half Life 3, Left 4 Dead 3, AND Team Fortress 3 before walking off without a word, all before I got back. So I sat there for a full two hours, squirming in agony, hoping for Gabe to show up. It was as if I was being tortured; eat or miss Gaben? It was tearing me apart, but it would've been worth it in the end if Gabe walked on stage.

And he never did.

That was probably the greatest insult of all. When we think PC Gaming, we think Steam. Yet we never got a single Steam representative. Even if they didn't announce a new game, they could at least show off a Steam Machine or the Steam Controller, anything. Instead, we watched as Host made bad jokes almost on par with Aisha Tyler, spewed technical jargon that nobody cared about, and showed off games that bored us to tears.

If you factor in that first hour, that was three hours of torture we ended up sitting through. What should've been the best show ended up being by far the worst. So congratulations, PC Gaming. It's your first show, and you bungled it big time. Here's your Concrete Donkey; now either learn from your mistakes and do better next year, or don't show your face again.

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“Best in Show” (Game)
For the game that, through trailers, live demos, or other presentations, deserves the most praise and built the most hype

This year, most of the games shown were games we already knew about, either because of leaks or because they've been in development for years. That doesn't make them any less awesome, though, and it made the surprises even better.

Super Mario Maker's been in the pipeline for some time, as have Doom and Star Fox Zero, but Fallout 4's reveal weeks before the conference gave it a lot of buzz, and nobody saw Shenmue III coming.

And while the votes were neck and neck, winning by an incredibly slim margin is none other then The Last Guardian.

Made by the developers of the critically acclaimed Shadow of the Colossus and the critically noticed after Shadow of the Colossus came out Ico, we were shown The Last Guardian almost a decade ago, and had heard nothing about it since. To not only see gameplay footage of it but to also be assured the game's coming out next year was such a wonderful surprise, and it's gotten us all hyped.

Just get ready to cry at the end, because either the boy or the beast is dying. Don't try to deny it; we all know it's coming.

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“Best in Show” (Company)
For the company that overall was of the highest quality and standard, in both presentation and content

While there were a lot of crappy shows this year, we got a surprising amount of shows that weren't too bad. For all the gripes against Metroid Prime: Federation Force, Nintendo did show off some cool games like Star Fox Zero and Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam. Then there was Bethesda, who didn't show much, but still wowed us with both Doom and Fallout 4.

And then there was Sony, who knocked it out of the park with The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII's remake and Shenmue III. There were other great games announced as well, such as Dreams and Horizon Zero Dawn, as well as more gameplay of Uncharted 4 (including the previously mentioned groundbreaking time travel mechanic).

Overall, while it wasn't without its flaws and lulls, Sony had the best show of the year, showing off wonderful surprises and bringing back old favorites.

"PS4's got no games"? Not this time; Sony definitely brought their A-game.

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Thanks again for the award emblems, Combuskenisawesome. You help make the magic come alive every year.

“A Viewers’ Guide to CD-i Zelda Sign Language”

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Outsourcing has its downsides, believe it or not. Never mind the possibility (often certainty) that you’re exploiting foreign workers who can’t argue for their credit (mmmm). What if those foreign workers decide to include their own foreign customs in your product, without your approval and with you none the wiser? Something similar seems to have happened to Philips, the Dutch technology company, best known here for its forays into gaming consoles and Nintendo licenses.

With the legal permission, if not complete approval, to create multiple games in the Legend of Zelda franchise, Philips pushed ahead with two games released on the same day in 1993: Link: the Faces of Evil and Zelda: the Wand of Gamelon. As an added bonus, and possibly a distraction from their old-fashioned side-scrolling gameplay, these were to be the first Zelda games with full-motion video cutscenes. Most of the scenes were the creation of four Russian animators flown into the US by Animation Magic, the game’s developer. This was apparently the first time that Russian animators worked in the US, which would’ve been difficult to do during the Cold War. (It wasn’t the last, either; the Russians animated more of the developer’s games, like I.M. Meen.)

Although viewers can see the Russian influence in the blocky, surrealistic character designs, the actual animation is a bit trickier to place. One thing everybody seems to notice, besides the strange zoom-ins and close-ups, is the bizarre movement of the characters. The best way to describe most of the character movement is with a TV Tropes term, “milking the giant cow.” People flail their arms and hands about in ways that don’t seem to mean anything. At times it borders on a kind of secret sign language between the animators, Cyrillic-influenced or not, I have no idea. I also don’t know what Philips thought of these animations. In all likelihood, they didn’t care about the quality or “look” of the cutscenes, instead seeing the mere presence of cutscenes as a sure factor in the games' success.

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The end product didn’t exactly give the game the intended kind of fame, though. We all know these cutscenes as the quintessential Youtube Poop sources, probably the most infamous, baffling, and memetic Zelda videos on the Internet. The games’ writers and casts tried to make sense of this footage, but in the end, the voice acting only added to the confusion and hilarity. Hand gestures either fell out of sync with the dialogue or had no relation to it whatsoever. Why in the world does the King make a sideways, palm-down hand motion when he says “dinner”? What does “squadallah” even mean? Questions such as these have surely baffled viewers and poopers alike, even if they haven’t dwelled on them.

However, I think I might have the answers. A decade of Youtube Poop and inside jokes has given me the knowledge to attempt a guide to understanding this esoteric language. Just through near-constant re-watching of the CD-i cutscenes, in poops or on their own, it’s possible to glean the meanings of the characters’ wacky arm movements and hand gestures. The dialogue really helps, although sometimes you need to throw it out the window to make sense of the movement. At any rate, I hope you enjoy my amateur guide to CD-i Zelda Sign Language, also known as CDIZSL.

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Link’s Lament

Link begins The Faces of Evil by showcasing two of his less flattering qualities: his thirst for bloodshed and his stupidity. Proclaiming that he finds Hyrule boring in a peaceful era, Link stretches his arms out above him in a familiar “yawning” pose, to show how he’s tired of not having things to kill. As he finishes the sentence, his eyes rotate and he becomes momentarily cross-eyed. Everybody online knows that cross-eyed people usually have a derpy disposition, and Link also has a slightly stupid-sounding voice to go with it. Obviously, this was all meant to represent Philips’ alternate take on the character of Link. In this game, he’s not the Hero of Time, but rather a dim-witted, cold-blooded killer who’s clearly bilking the King for food and lodging, and whom Hyrule is only too eager to send off on another quest.

The World-Famous Mah Boi Pose

The King takes a break from his raging alcoholic binges to lecture Link about the value of peace. Proclaiming “this peace is what ALL true warriors strive FOR” (and improperly ending his sentence with a preposition), the King raises his pointer finger into the air, makes a fist with the rest of the hand, and looks at Link with a stern face. Besides the strange emphasis on the word “for,” this scene is known for the “mah boi” pose at the end. It’s called that because of the first two words King Harkinian says (spelled exactly like that), but the fist and finger don’t really have anything to do with bois. He might just be further emphasizing the word “for,” bringing greater attention to his grammatical mistake for some reason. Or, the King’s finger might be a reference to Plato, the philosopher who only believed that ideal forms and values were real, the rest of life just pale imitations of those. Plato is pointing upwards in Raphael’s famous artwork The School of Athens. Here, Harkinian also points upward, showing that peace is not simply a silly ideal, but a reality, one for which true warriors strive, to put it grammatically correctly. Given how King Harkinian’s CD-i appearance resembles this painting of a saint, and not his cartoon counterpart, it could be an intentional reference to art history.

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Masaccio, St. Peter Healing the Sick With His Shadow

The Island of Koridai

After making a small, respectful bow to "your majesty," Gwonam gives some bad news about Koridai. Apparently Ganon and his minions seized it. (Why couldn’t they seize the canonical mystical lands?) When Gwonam mentions Koridai, he raises both of his arms to the sky, palms upwards, while tilting his head backwards. It looks like he’s trying to bring the rain down or something. What this gesture means depends on whether it refers to the island or Ganon and his minions. If it’s the former, then Gwonam might be showing the immense width of the island, or the long distance to it, with his wide arm span. (He gets there pretty quickly on his carpet, though, so that’s suspect.) If it’s the latter, then Gwonam might be giving the King an image of the huge extent of Ganon’s impact on Koridai. Whatever it means, he sure looks funny doing it. That might explain why the King is smiling before going into his thoughts.

"How Can We Help?"

King Harkinian is such a benevolent ruler. When another country’s in danger, he only needs to think and say “hmmm” for a few seconds before deciding to help. (If you freeze the video right before he says “hmmm,” he also has a stoned look on his face.) He represents his helping gesture by raising his hand palm-up to the sky, showing off his “helping hand” (although it also looks like he’s praying). Speaking about himself in the royal third person, he asks how “we” can help, with a beaming face. We should have more people like the King in the world, although there might not be enough dinner to satisfy them all.

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“Your Sword is Enough”

I really have no idea what Gwonam is doing here. Either he’s begging Link to stop wasting time, or he’s praying in the direction of Mecca. I know Nintendo removed the chanting from the Fire Temple music in Ocarina of Time due to a “no real religion” rule, but I don’t think Philips had the same rule with its own games. So he’s either a Muslim genie or a Gerudo wizard with lighter skin. (Note: Russians have a not-great relationship with Muslims, especially Afghans, so the inclusion of such a positive Middle Eastern role model in these scenes is kind of amazing. Unless he’s secretly working for Ganon, as some have suggested.)

Link Takes Rejection Well

Link gets really close to Zelda and asks for a lucky kiss. As he does so, he winks to the audience, as if this were a TV sitcom and he already knew what was going to happen. That might explain why Link is stifling a laugh after Zelda rejects him. Maybe he was supposed to look embarrassed, covering his face out of shame or something, but the way it’s drawn makes it look like a laugh. Either Link is aware of the fourth wall and trying to make this scene seem funny, or it’s another part of his stupidity.

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Ganon's Proposal

While Ganon offers to give Link the greatest face in Koridai, he makes some flamboyant gestures with his arms, first holding them to his chest (“join me, Link”), and then flapping them up and down while talking about Link’s face. He clenches his fists while saying “the greatest in Koridai.” I assumed that he was doing all of this to keep Link’s attention, since Link obviously doesn’t want to join Ganon (and the player doesn’t have the choice to take Ganon up on his offer) and is probably dozing off at this point, just wanting to kill some more. There’s no other reason to flap your arms up and down so much, unless Ganon is actually a plastic surgeon and is showing off his hands-on face-greatening skills. Also noteworthy is Ganon’s ultimatum, where he covers his face with his hands and then makes his face cover Link’s entire view. “Or else you will DIE!” It must be Koridian custom that when a person tells another that they will die, they have to be extremely close (and incredibly sexy) to them.

"IT BURNS!!!"

While trying to escape the flammable Book of Koridai, Ganon at first slides to the right of the screen, and then back to the left, clenching both his fists and yelling “IT BUUUURRNS!” This is one in a many gestures where characters make a fist, although it’s never quite clear what the fist means. It feels wrong to call Ganon’s movements “fisting,” although that would indeed BUUURRN somebody’s ass, especially if Ganon was doing it to them. For now, let’s say that Ganon’s swaying and fist-making represents how the Book of Koridai has a “hold” on him. No opportunity for Martin Ssempa lectures here.

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“COME”

“Well done, Link!” When Gwonam wants people to follow him, he puts his hands together and brings his arms down at the same time. Contrary to popular belief, this hand gesture does not represent ejaculation.

The Hero of Koridai

Apparently, being the hero of Koridai means that old wizards have permission to breach your personal bubble. After making birds appear out of nowhere and asking if it’s beautiful (Link seems to agree: “Golly!”), Gwonam happily tells Link that he is the hero of Koridai, as it is written. And to show this, he puts his hand next to Link’s face and opens his fingers up, making Link wince. Link gets back by shoving Gwonam down into the carpet in the next shot, to ask Zelda for another kiss. Of course, she refuses. So heroism gets him touched by an old man, but it’s still not worth a kiss from a hot girl. Oh well. It doesn’t seem to bother Link too much, though.

"I Won!"

When you’ve won, what can you do except put your hand in the air like you’re waving at a nonexistent person, signifying that you have no friends and your victory doesn’t mean that much, seeing as it happened in a disowned game? Apparently nothing, if your name is Link.

"The Evil Forces of Ganon"

In the beginning of Zelda: the Wand of Gamelon, the King himself gives the bad news instead of Gwonam (who’s completely disappeared and been replaced by IMPA?). As he tells of Ganon’s evil forces attacking Duke Onkled, he pulls his left hand and arm up in a diagonal fashion, and then thrusts it straight left. It looks like the motion of someone drawing a sword, except the King doesn’t have a sword. It could be a visual representation of the word “attack.” In a smaller gesture, he clutches his chest while mentioning the Triforce of Courage, in a stance that suggests strength and protection (not that kind). He’d do better with a sword instead of taking the Triforce that was meant for Link. No wonder he gets captured.

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Enough!

Probably the most straightforward gesture in any CD-i game. The King makes a stop sign with the hand because he wants people to stop talking about his safe return. This makes me wonder, did he jinx his own chances of safety by doing this? We all know what happens to heroes who deny their dependence on the gods. Odysseus thought he could do just fine without them and it took him 15 years to get home. King Harkinian thought so too, and his daughter had to save him. If the King is an ancient Greek hero, his tragic flaw is pride, not gluttony – although he does love his DINNER.

Ship Happens

“My ship sails in the morning!” After wiping through the air, the King puts his hands together in a “thinking” pose, before putting his hands on his throat and looking up at the ceiling. The folded hands usually show that someone is deep in thought or secretly plotting something. The latter doesn’t hold here, since the King keeps telling everybody about his ship. The former makes a littler more sense. A king has to be punctual, after all, and he might just be thinking hard about the ship he has to take next morning. (He must be thinking about some deep ship.) I’m not sure why he clutches his throat at the end of the line. It might be a sign of hunger, prefiguring the classic dialogue about dinner that comes right after this line.

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DINNER

A dinner bell can be faintly heard while the King talks about his ship. After that, the king proclaims that he wonders what’s for dinner. While he says this, he puts his hand palm down and drags it to the left in a wiping fashion. I’m not sure how this is supposed to represent “dinner.” Maybe Harkinian is moving his hand towards the dining dinner room, or maybe he’s hinting that his dinner plate will be wiped clean when he’s done. The King isn’t the only one to make confusing signs before dinner. When Link talks about his hunger for Oktoroks, he first clenches his hands as if he has to ship really badly, and then pushes them outward and rears his head back on the word “Oktorok.” This must mean that Link will be inevitably constipated after he eats his massive Oktorok dinner. (He also touches his tummy at one point, a more common sign of hunger, but those are less fun.)

“A Whole Month Gone…”

This gesture is a little bit easier to read than the rest. While bemoaning the lack of communication from King Harkinian, Zelda throws up her hands in frustration, as if to say that she’s given up any hopes of hearing from him. She then puts on some invisible makeup for no apparent reason, and then finally puts her face in her hands to simulate crying. All the stages of grief in one brief bit of animation: frustration, makeup, and sadness. Good job, Russians.

“No Match for the King”

While trying to allay Zelda’s fears about “that old Ganon,” Link first throws his right hand up in an angular fashion. This can be best interpreted as Link making a dismissive gesture, like he’s saying “as if!” or something appropriately airheaded. When he gets to saying “the King,” he suddenly throws both of his arms up in the air and clenches his fists again. This is pretty obviously a pose to demonstrate strength and power, which King Harkinian apparently possesses. It also gives Link the chance to flex and show off his muscles, which aren’t all that impressive, really. The King could outdo him in that department, although all that dinner also gave him a lot of girth. Unlike Link, though, the King definitely IS a match for old Ganon.

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Dodongo Punch

When Link claims that he can’t wait to “bomb some Dodongos” (more hints of his impatient, violent nature), he first makes a fist in both hands without grabbing anything, and then moves his right arm in a punching motion. This isn’t how Link throws a bomb in any Zelda game; it takes him both hands to pick up a bomb and throw it. Either Link is so cocky and eager to kill stuff that he’s now throwing bombs one-handed like a pimp gangsta, or he just wants to beat up Dodongos in the old-fashioned style, with his fists. I can’t tell which is crueler to the Dodongos.

"All Right, Dear..."

After being awoken by Zelda in the middle of the night (or something, it’s daylight in the next scene), Impa agrees to go with her. Because of her voice acting, she seems unwilling to go. Before going to fetch the Triforce of Wisdom, she puts her left hand up in the air palm down (similar to the dinner pose), and then points at something. Everyone in Hyrule must be left-handed or something. Meanwhile her right hand goes up and down like she’s lifting something. Did they forget to animate it? Anyway, I guess the left hand must be a comforting gesture, like how she puts her arm on Zelda while saying “I’m certain he’s alright.” After that, she could be pointing to the shelf where they put the Triforce, since apparently Triforces can just be picked up and carried around in this game.

"You Must Die!"

I’m cheating a little here, since this isn’t really an example of sign language, but I know I couldn’t get away with not mentioning it. Ganon covers his face with one of his hands to shield himself from Zelda’s light. (“You DUHARE bring LIGHT to my LAIRUH?!?”) While sentencing her to death, he puts both of his hands out palm down, in preparation for the lightning bolts that come out of them. So wait, if he doesn’t like light, then why does he attack with lightning?

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"You've Saved Me!"

Another fairly straightforward gesture, with Zelda opening her arms to her father in a welcoming gesture, and King Harkinian similarly beckoning her to him in a mood of gratitude. Why they didn’t do this right when Zelda rescued the King, I don’t know. Did they spend the whole return trip in silence? Did they even go back together? I ask because the King enters the castle looking slightly pissed, but Zelda is already there, waiting for him. As the King says, “hmmm….”

"Have Mercy!"

In this line, each of Duke Onkled’s motions can be interpreted as an effort to appease King Harkinian in one way or another. First, he flexes his fingers, showing off all the mad bling he owns. He looks richer than the King, come to think of it. He’s probably offering to pay the King a great deal if he’ll let him go. After saying “please, your impotence omnipotence,” he then makes two fists and holds them close to his beard. Two possibilities: he’s willing to give the King sexual favors, as in fisting, for mercy. Many, many poopers have featured such a relationship between the King and the Duke. Or he could just be constipated, like in this earlier frame, where he’s taking “a very long and very huge shit.” Finally, Onkled timidly moves his left hand upward, palm up. In the good old days of corporal punishment in schools, children would hold their palms up to get them beat with a ruler. Hyrule doesn’t look like it’s moved beyond those days, so this might be the universal gesture to show that someone is willing to suffer violence. So the order of mercy goes: paying a fine, sexual favors, and the satisfaction of seeing a traitor get violently beaten. Fortunately for the Duke, the King’s actual punishment is considerably lamer.

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The King's Mighty Digit

“After you’ve scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy!” While giving a royal decree, King Harkinian uses his pointer finger as an extension of his authority. This scene would make more sense, though, if Harkinian didn’t point up at the ceiling while mentioning “the floors” and point down at the floor while saying “Hyrule.” Maybe he got the floor confused with the ceiling. (Scrubbing all the ceilings in Hyrule is a marginally better punishment, I guess.) At the end of the speech, he brings his hand up, again in the “dinner” fashion (palm down). This is after he says “mercy,” so it might mean that the King is not going to bless (i.e. lay his hands on) Duke Onkled. The last part is the easiest to understand. The King pulls his hand backwards to show his lack of interest in seeing more of the Duke, and orders the weird Spanish guy to “take him away!” And they never saw him again.

Morshu’s Sales Pitch

This is an example where dialogue isn’t completely unrelated to the visuals; instead, the latter just fall out of sync with the former. We see Morshu holding his two hands apart as if to measure a length of rope, but the problem is he says “lamp oil” first while making the sign, and then says “rope.” He also holds up a ruby (sorry, not “rupee”) before saying that Link should have enough of them, and even puts it away and folds his hands together before he’s finished talking about it. Occasionally it all matches up, like when Morshu points towards Link while asking him, “You want it?”

The other parts of Morshu’s pitch seem more random. When he says “bombs,” he makes fists, puts them next to his head, and appears to be yelling. Unless this is the face that someone makes before getting bombed, its meaning is unclear. Also, he points away from himself an awful lot when refusing to sell Link an item on credit. The first time is when he says “credit,” the second comes after he says “mmmmmmmmm…richer!” Perhaps Morshu is hinting that Link should seek his riches outside the shop before buying stuff, hence why’s he pointing outside. The thing is: if he wants Link to go away, then why does he get so uncomfortably close to the camera while mmmmming? Actually, that tends to happen a lot during the cutscenes. Either the Koridians are a culture of close-talkers, or the invasion of personal space is another aspect of the language that we’ll never understand.

Here’s a bonus round of smaller gestures throughout the games, just for all you completionists out there.

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"Pretty Please?"

When making a personal request in Koridai, it’s important that you touch the nose of the person from whom you want help. Apparently Link doesn’t know about these customs and looks very uncomfortable while the fat lady touches him, although he’s uncomfortable around her all the time, as well. The intimate sign language doesn’t stop there. Once Link actually brings her the necklace she wants, she briefly feels her own breast up – and no, this isn’t open to interpretation, she actually feels herself up! Oh, those crazy Communists and their sexual promiscuity. Pssh!

Ipo, the Secret Princess of Fruit

Ipo, the self-proclaimed reader, makes bizarre use of sign language in his (her?) few scenes. He throws his hands up in the air while talking about the book of Koridai, and makes a whispering motion when he mentions “the secret verse.” Actually, that last part isn’t too hard to decipher: whisper = secret. Later on, when he actually reads the book, he continues to wave his pointer finger around like the King. He also moves his second and third fingers up and down as he talks about Ganon killing with a single look. Obviously Ipo is demonstrating how he wants to finger Ganon, who has looks that kill according to him. He can’t say this out loud due to shame, so he alludes with movement and remains the secret princess of fruit. (I have to thank nickshorts’ classic poops for my awareness of these last two scenes.)

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Gwonam's House Dance

Gwonam praying to Mecca the Gerudo Valley for the fourth time that day. Look, you can even see his prayer mat! Be careful that he doesn’t see you, though, or he’ll congratulate you on finding his house and insist on guarding you from the “sand croomies” (leevers?) outside. First off, those don’t exist, and second, his house isn’t that hard to find, or even that impressive. It could use a good floor-scrubbing by Duke Onkled, or even maybe a face-greatening from Ganon.

ILLEGAL

“This is illegal, you know!” Mayor Kravindish, often mistaken for a judge due to his poofy white wig and uppity demeanor, demonstrates the illegality of the villains’ actions with two hands, raised upwards with fingers outstretched at the same time. Now this just completely baffles me. Is he offering himself up for arrest? Then why is he complaining about illegalness? I imagine that they wrote the script before animating the cutscenes, but Kravindish’s line doesn’t sync up with his mouth movements. Was he saying something different in an earlier version? Do you care enough to want to know what it was? I didn’t think so.

"Keep the Runt in Chains!"

Another fisting gesture from the grand master Ganon, in this case referencing his tightening grip on his prisoners. I guess it’s not too hard to understand, but I am curious about the face Ganon makes after he yells “Silence!” Watch him while he says the name “Hektad” (Hector?). He looks worried and even a little frightened, his eyes darting nervously around; he even sounds a little subdued, before getting his mojo back on the next command. Is he really that scared by a Spaniard shouting “hey”? Well, he was transfixed by a fishing rod in the climax of Twilight Princess and killed with a single hit at the end of both CD-i games, so he might just be a big breast after all. Maybe he really is no match for the King.

That’s right, there are only two CD-i Zelda games – and don’t you forget it. Let’s draw the line and say I won’t have to write about an old wizard fellating his scroll in Zelda’s Adventure. I hope you enjoyed my guide, and I look forward to analyzing more aspects of the CD-i Zelda universe in the not too distant future. Until then, I wonder...what's for dinner...

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Special thanks to Robotic, for making the wonderful .gif images. Click here if you want to see all of them.

It's been a while since I've talked about anything related to the art that unites us all, what with my writings about Glenn Miller and Hugo Chavez. If it weren't for these crazy mashups, I wouldn't be here to write about those unrelated topics. While the medium itself sort of has a bizarre relationship with both ourselves and the rest of the internet, we can't deny that we've found ourselves fascinated by its ways. It has allowed simple editing hiccups to become more humorous by the way they're sequenced. It has spurred a plethora of catchphrases that still find some charm no matter how nauseatingly repetitive they get. And most importantly, it has introduced us to content as absurd as the very videos they find themselves spliced and mangled in. The very foundation of the Youtube Poop rests upon the objects that it pulls apart and stitches back together into a sputtering Frankenstein, the source material, or sources for short. Sources are integral to the process since they provide the challenge, enhance the humor and draw in particular audiences to your poop. A source can be potent by its own, can be the centerpiece of the work or can be accompanied by various others; it may define the pooper or it may simply serve for entertaining visuals. Nonetheless, it is essential that the pooper knows about their source, feels their source, tastes the source, caresses their source, dates the source and becomes the source itself. That way, it can then use it to its utmost potential.

The first thing that one has to be aware of is how to go about picking a source or sources. The choice of sources has an effect on how you go about your process and how others view the work you create. There are four main categories of sources:



Spadinner sources are typically what Youtube Poop is known for. It's your Nintendo CD-i cartoons, your Dr. Rabbit, your damn hedgehogs, your singing apes and your talking volcanoes. At a glance, the Spadinner source can be a toss-up for the viewer. This either indicates that the video is going to be an amateur display of how much two Italian plumbers can declare their homosexuality or a masterful exercise in turning toothpaste tubes into live worms and epileptic seizures. It's ubiquity has made it appealing to the beginner for its familiarity and to the expert in how to defy its convention. It mostly stems from that Spadinner sources are already weird without much editing. Their voice acting is unnatural, the animation is uncanny, the plot lines are ludicrous and the doctors are surprisingly attractive. Going through the frames, one can find many an odd visual to exploit for their amusement. So many have used it that there is so much extra content for them to be bent further and so many are familiar with it, that even if no ones uses that extra content to take a further risk on that source, someone will still be interested in it for the sake of familiarity. They also tend to be great for laughs, whether they're cheap or not.

Common sources are similar to Spadinner sources in how many times they are used and how it can either indicate that the creator is a novice or a professional. The difference is that while Spadinner sources have deeply rooted themselves in the Youtube Poop "culture", common sources are just used often. These range from American pop culture to Japanese pop culture to more American pop culture to general internet culture to even more American pop culture. Certain common sources can find themselves being subjected to familiar frames of mind when in the process of being edited. Spongebob Squarepants as a source has automatically found itself with the stigma of being reduced to Spingebill, a process in which the show is reduced to being plastered with shocking edits in a creepypasta fashion. Others find themselves spreading due to how a pooper or a group of poopers have used the source successfully. King Of The Hill has attracted much attention after DurhamrockerZ, OrpheusFTW and AttackOfTheHank have extracted the potential off of it. Common sources can achieve Spadinner-level of notoriety, be it from selective jokes or how much it is used, but it may not be considered such either because it is not weird enough on its own, it was not obscure before its usage or because the council of the almighty poopers has not yet granted it that honor.

Hip sources, fad sources, down-wit-da-kewl-kydz sources or on-fleek sources are either on the cusp of becoming a common source or will regress into an irregular source. Hip sources will naturally be material that attracts many to use it but it depends entirely on those who use on how it will evolve. Some are intended as the flavor of the month, being exploited either to be cheeky bastards (PETA Fish/Some Screams Can't Be Heard) or because of an increase in interest (Hey Arnold). Others are riding on already-established current trends and follow their lifespan in terms of how frequent they become used in the future (Adventure Time, My Little Pony, Steven Universe, really any children's cartoon). And some simply stem from in-jokes that then over-saturate the poop market and cause shit stocks to plummet to the annoyance and chagrin of viewers (forced memes). It's not to say that there isn't the possibility that a hip source cannot become a common source, though it is largely dependent on how the source rises and falls. The timing of when you use the source can have an effect on the work itself, sometimes regardless of the talent. Using it at the bandwagon's peak can guarantee a reasonable amount of views and a few subscribers, but using it when it has become commonplace or no longer attractive can lead to considerable downvotes and misspelled insults.



Irregular sources are perhaps the larger section of sources out there. If we were to think of the categories in ranks, Spadinner sources are the royalty of Youtube Poop, common sources are the knights, hip sources are the jesters that either live to see another day or get mauled by tigers and irregular sources are the smelly peasants. Though that's not to say that they can't relate to their higher counterparts. They can be as hidden and off-kilter as Spadinner sources, as relatable and noteworthy as common sources or as trendy and eye-catching as hip sources. What may keep them irregular is the mixture of attributes that they share or their lack of usage from the general pooping community. To an individual pooper, an irregular source can become common for them, and that in turn could allow it to rise above the ranks, considering that they have the ability and notoriety for it, if they so intend for it that is. Perhaps their unique source choice can only work for them or the source itself relies on it being irregular because it adds to the idiosyncrasy of the poop itself. DanielRadcliffle777 was pivotal in the usage of irregular sources because it further defines the unpredictability and insanity that came from his content. An irregular source can prove to be harder to succeed with on its own, as there is a chance that it may not be catapulted to a higher category, but it is not impossible for one to do well with using those sources.

When choosing a source, you must be familiar with its inner workings and understand what you can do in order to convert it into Youtube Poop. You must watch it as though you are a campaign manager trying to ruin the credibility of the opponent, exploiting any errors no matter the size and distorting the message for your own advantage. Sometimes its the visual, other times its the auditory. Animation tends to be very attractive as a source because of their frames. Since they have to produce certain effects either for the sake of comedy or convenience, funny faces and animation smears prove versatile for a poop. For instance, if there's any awkward movement that stems from a collection of smear frames, it can be reversed and played back a bunch of times to further stimulate the uncanny atmosphere. If there is an interesting background image, quick cuts that zoom closer to the object are presented. Live action works can serve just as well when it comes to silly frames or silly "sus"-like movement, but they lack the speedy and rubbery nature of cartoons. Sentence mixing, on the other hand, can only be as effective as the source you choose. If the source is foreign, garbled or cryptic, you may want to avoid that. But if there is clear enunciation, a lot of talking and some funny words sprinkled in, the source is far more powerful. Couple that technique with the fact that what you edit the source to say in relation with its original tone creates humor through clever juxtaposition, and you can show that you are a competent and hilarious pooper.



Another important factor of sources is how many you use and how you decide to focus your energy on the sources themselves. Most videos either fall under the main source and the multiple source structure, with a select amount of single source videos. Single source videos are 90-100% fixated on a sole video source. If there is any extra content, it will be restricted to pictures, audio clips for effect, music (which is not usually referred as sources, unless it's specifically an audio or visual poop or if the audio carries more weight in the video), or incredibly short video clips. Most single source videos work off the 90% margin, with those going for the full 100 relying on incredibly quick editing, immense visual and audio manipulation and/or a lot of stutters. Single source videos tend to be Spadinner sources or common sources as it attracts a greater crowd that going with irregular sources. Not only that, but irregular sources tend to be tricky to nail down in single source format because it requires a lot of attention to detail from the source and wonderful editing craftsmanship, even considering the 90% margin. Very few are able to reach the consciousness of the internet and the community at large but there do exist a handful of them out there, as well as users who mainly characterize themselves as focusing on irregular single source poops.

If one wants to retain the focus of the poop to an irregular source, the main source model is much more preferable. The main source model is applicable to any type of source and may be considered the most frequently used source model. In essence, one source is centered as the point (the main source, as it were) in which the rest of the sources work around of. In contrast to the single-source model, 60-80% of the main source is shown and used with the other percent being relegated to the filler sources. This model allows for more flexibility because any opening that the main source creates is covered by the filler sources. Sometimes those openings are due to similarities that the main and filler source share like characters, quotes, movements, actors, etc. Other times it stems from the contrast that the sources creates. It can even simply be because the main source only has enough potential that there needs to be something else to keep it afloat and to provide a better foundation. Naturally for that last instance, it's best to hide that fact. Spadinner and common sources often find themselves attaching as the filler to an irregular or fad source to serve as eye-catching material or enhancement to the more unfamiliar work. With fad sources in particular, the Spadinner and common sources add to the punchline of what the fad is. It can also be inverted, having Spadinner and common sources be the main source but be surrounded by the irregular or fad sources as to go with a new approach on using those sources in conjunction to newer material.



Then we have the multiple sources model, in which no source is meant as the focus and all serve to interact and intertwine with each other in all sorts of different ways. The multiple source model can take the sketch comedy approach in which there is a set amount of time for each source, with the other sources occasionally popping their head and running gags being present throughout the video. Spadinner sources have generally found themselves in that approach, as their commonalities mesh well with one another and the culture around them has cultivated certain tropes and mannerisms to be apparent amongst themselves. Common sources also serve well under the sketch comedy approach, though more of what makes them special stems from the imagination of the pooper. The other approach is the collage approach, where-in the irregular sources thrive better in as said approach aims to be more surreal and visually stimulating. Artistic or unique poopers are fond of the collage approach since the lack of focus makes it all the more challenging for them to construct the work and would serve to be more intriguing to the viewer. As a result, the irregular source being less connected to the general public becomes attractive to mish-mash together in the collage format, perhaps building upon Spadinner and common sources to leech off of them and strip them bear of their conventions. Combining all the types of sources into one video can achieve great results but one must be more cautious as it requires precision and cohesion to work properly.

Sources are key to what makes a poop work from where it comes from, to what type it is, to how it is edited and to how many are used. It can help in the individual poop to set the bar for what the viewer should expect. It can provide the pooper a pattern for them to build upon and create their own pooper identity. A source's strength can be noticed upon by others and built upon, spreading its popularity amongst the community. It can lead people to be interested in new topics simply because they saw something from the source that could only be brought out by the pooper. It can make a pooper's message or style all the more poignant. Sources are the heart of the poop, providing the energy and the emotion for the viewer to entrance themselves in the heavily altered creation that it keeps alive. Being mindful of the source is being mindful of the poop that you produce. And god knows that we all want to produce some great poop.

In honor of the next 007 movie coming out this year (Spectre), I have decided to review several James Bond films. I will be covering one movie per actor (6 in total), which includes George Lazenby and Timothy Dalton, but not David Niven from the original Casino Royale. With that in mind, let's begin with Sir Sean Connery in From Russia with Love (1963).

Summary:
The story centers around British secret agent James Bond and his clash with the secretive organization known as SPECTRE. This evil crime syndicate is led by the nefarious "#1" and his ruthless assistants Tov Kronsteen and Rosa Klebb. Near the height of the Cold War, Kronsteen has formulated a plan that they hope will succeed on two fronts: secure a revolutionary code-breaking device for themselves, and escalate the tensions between Russia and Britain, possibly to the point of open conflict. To accomplish this, Rosa Klebb enlists the help of a Russian agent in Turkey, Tatiana Romanova (who will be kept in the dark about most of the plans), and one of their top operatives, Donald Grant.

At the same time, British Intelligence has learned of the same code-breaking device ("Lektor") that SPECTRE has been pursuing. Naturally, they select Bond to retrieve it, along with the Russian "defector" Romanova. Bond is sent to Istanbul, where he meets up with an ally in the intelligence field, Ali Kerim Bey. Bond also makes contact with Romanova, who is quickly charmed by him. Romanova gives 007 schematics for the building that has the Lektor. As they begin to consider the facts surrounding the Lektor and Romanova's odd friendliness with 007, they begin to have their doubts about the mission.

SPECTRE's plan continues as Grant attempts to framed Britain for the kidnapping and assassination of a Russian agent, and openly assaults 007 and Bey at a meeting. After eliminating a top Bulgarian assassin working for the Russians, 007, Romanova and Bey secure the Lektor from the Russian embassy during the confusion of an attack. Following this, they flee the country by train hoping to rendezvous with Bey's sons.

Aboard the train, Bey is killed under unclear circumstances, and Grant introduces himself under a different identity to Bond and Romanova. Grant slips a sedative to Romanova which knocks her out, and traps Bond, where he explains SPECTRE's plans.They have been playign the Russians and British off of one another the whole time, and allowed Bond to secure the Lektor so that they could take it from him. Bond dupes Grant with a booby-trapped bribe, kills Grant, and escapes with Romanova where he is pursued by a helicopter and boats. After eliminating them, he and Romanova go to a hotel and survive one last attack by Klebb before their mission is complete.

Classic Scenes:

At this point, James Bond and Kerim Bey have been following a Bulgarian assassin named Krilencu. They briefly speak to a group of Romanis, but are ambushed by SPECTRE gunmen. It's an exciting action scene, and perhaps most interestingly, it shows Grant saving Bond's life for unknown reasons.


In this scene, Bond secures the Lektor from the Russian embassy. This, like many other scenes, shows just how cool and unflappable 007 is, even when surrounded by people who would imprison or kill him if they knew who he really was. It's a brief action sequence, but it's still quite entertaining.


It's hard not to enjoy this boat chase near the film's ending. By today's standards, it's not the most exciting action movie chase, but it holds up well. Bonus points for an unintentional CD-i quote.



Supporting Characters:

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There are really only two supporting characters worth mentioning; Tatiana Romanova and Ali Kerim Bey. Romanova is obviously the primary “Bond girl”, but she is unfortunately not used particularly well. Thinking back, she really doesn't do that much on her own, at least not until the final scene where she kills Klebb. Other than that, she's has little impact on the plot, which is a shame, because they could have (and should have) done a lot more with her character. Romanova is kept in the dark for much of the movie, and she spends quite a bit of time in helpless circumstances. That's not unusual for a "Bond girl", but these instances are not really counterbalanced with sequences of her in action. Now, she's not unlikable or detrimental to the film, but she's just an underutilized character.

Kerim Bey on the other hand, is seriously awesome. Of all of the Bond characters that I can recall, I can't remember a male supporting character that did as much as him. He assists Bond at the shootout, he takes out Krilencu despite his injury, he successfully undermines the Russian embassy, and he apprehends a Russian security agent before he could get in Bond's way. He did far more than I expected him to, and I think he's a strong character because of that. When the movie first introduces him, I thought that he'd be little more than a one scene character with minimal impact on the plot. Of course, I was wrong, and I was genuinely impressed with his character.

Antagonists:

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Of the four villains (#1, Klebb, Kronsteen and Grant), Donald Grant is easily the most notable. His actions are legitimately intriguing, and it's interesting to see how he plays the Russians and British against one another. He's smart and strong, and unlike some other Bond villains, he's not a megalomaniac bent on world domination. He almost won (par for the course with most Bond villains) but he was tricked with a fake bribe, so he's not without his own faults. I speculate that the upcoming Spectre film will probably have a villain not unlike Grant, but that remains to be seen.

#1 is not really seen, but he is revealed in another film. He's very calm and cold, and the movie makes it clear (despite the fact that we never even see his face) that he is not someone to be taken lightly. The fact that he's willing to execute one of his top operatives helps to further establish his status as a truly dangerous individual.



Rosa Klebb and Kronsteen are cold and fiercely loyal to #1, and their plan is actually pretty clever. Kronsteen doesn't do a lot, other than formulate the plan, whereas Klebb is very cruel, and has a bit more involvement in the plot. For most of the movie, they stay in the background, so there isn't a lot to say about them specifically. Their organization is played up as being shadowy and dangerously effective, and the lack of a permanent defeat for them in From Russia With Love allowed for more 007 films to feature them as a recurring threat, which was the right move, I believe.

Bond:

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Sir Sean Connery personifies charisma as 007. To say that his portrayal is “smooth” and “confident” would be an understatement, really. Even when he's being held up at gunpoint, he's the epitome of cool. He can pull off some Bond one liners every once in a while, but it doesn't really reach the point of being goofy or groan-inducing. He's effective at his work, but he's not invincible. He's always calm, cool, and collected, and most people would be lying if they said that they didn't want to be him. It says a lot about his acting skills when he can make the act of looking around his hotel room seem suave. He's also a quick thinker who was able to turn a doomed situation (the fake surrender on a boat) into an effective getaway. He manages to hit a helicopter co-pilot with a sniper rifle with perfect timing. Need I say more? That having been said, he's not perfect. His most obvious flaw is that he was so easily duped by Romanova, and he brushed off the notion that it might be a trap. So, perhaps he's overconfident and too much of a flirt, but he's still a really effective agent. I don't necessarily think that there is a “best Bond actor”, but its easy to see why many fans prefer him. The other actors each bring something different to the table, but it can easily be argued that Connery is the gold standard for Bond actors.

Final Thoughts:

From Russia With Love currently holds a very strong Rotten Tomatoes approval rating (96% from critics), and I tend to agree with them. Entering into the film, I really didn't know what to expect, given that Connery's other 007 movies have overshadowed this one. The film might not be as popular as Dr. No and Goldfinger but I believe that it is one of the better ones that I have seen in the series. To be clear, I specifically chose to review From Russia With Love because I hadn't watched it before, and it is one of the lesser talked-about Connery films. It has aged quite well, despite it being over 50 years old, which I believe is partly due to the lack of over-the-top or ambitious effects. The film doesn't have as much action as some of the other 007 entries, but this doesn't harm it. It feels very much like a classic spy romp, rather than a constant parade of silly action sequences. Other than Romanova's lack of involvement, the film is very strong and worth a look. Whether you're a 007 aficionado or a general moviegoer, I believe that you'll enjoy it.

From Russia With Love gets a strong 4.5 out of 5.

Sentence mixing did not come from the Youtube Poop. It has been used before, generally to create a bizarre environment in a work or serve as a means to blackmail someone via a carefully calculated edited message. It is not something many people did give thought to before though. The rise of it's usage and it's interest has come from the YTP. And why wouldn't it? It's one of the most entertaining ways to edit a video outside of create an effect extravaganza. The sentence mix is an art unto it's own since it has manage to delight and amaze us with it's absurdity and it's ingenuity. Who knew that by making a few cuts here and there you could make anyone say anything, even the most idiotic or profound things imaginable. It provided a gateway to thousands of possibilities and jokes and has even been the staple of some of the greats in the Youtube Poop world. But what goes behind the craft of the sentence mix? How can you make a sentence mix work to your favor? These sort of questions are what I will be looking into as we dive into what makes a sentence mix succeed.

Like I mentioned in The Importance Of Sources, the source(s) are crucial to making a sentence mix work. If the source is foreign or garbled, it only works if you're appealing to a niche demographic or if you're really good. It's always in the interest of a pooper to generally get audio that's clear, has excellent enunciation and has a lot of dialogue for the sentence mix to carry the greatest effect and have many possibilities. It make take a lot of repeat listenings, but by the time that you get through hearing it over and over, you'll be constructing the lines in your head. It helps as well to have a transcript and to see what parts you can break up and re-arrange to your liking. That and a few classes on linguistics and having a superb knowledge on phonetics certainly helps.

A good way to understand sentence mixing is by examples. For instance, let's take a few lines from the opening from Faces Of Evil:

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

Link: Great! I'll grab my stuff!

Link: I guess I'd better get going.

Let's suppose that I wanted young, innocent, naive, little Link to say something crass. In this instance, I would like him to say something along the lines of "I'm gonna jack off". I can't really say exactly that with what I have on display for me. Now I could look further or I could avoid sentence mixing altogether and call up the original voice actor to say it for me, but I'm pretty lazy to do both. So instead I have to think of other ways I can say what I want to say. Looking over the lines again and rearranging them, I think I've found a few parts that could work for me.

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It's not as vulgar as I would like it to be, but it works to what I want to do. This is a very simplistic way of sentence mixing, simply taking words or phrases from a sentence and piecing them together to form a new sentence. Simply because it's easy doesn't mean it necessarily detracts from how humorous it can be. I mean I just made an elf-eared green-hooded manchild declare an act of masturbation. That's hilarious. Now, let's try another line.

King: My boy, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!

In this instance, I'm a little more limited, but I still figure that I can come up with something humorous for the king to say. In this case, I have to go deeper and try a phonetic approach. In this instance, the audio itself can have a lot more sway than what is being said due to the inflections and accent that the speaker gives to the words. Transcripts can still help, but as always, you depend more on what you're hearing than what is written. Still, I've gotten so used to hearing this fellow that I can manage to come up with a good approximation on how I can manipulate the sentence. For instance, the King says my boy as mah boi, as we all know. If I strip away the ah sound, I can attach it to another word and perhaps change it. Adding it to peace makes pizza, but saying that all true warriors strive for it isn't funny enough. Hmm...warriors...war-riors....Warios! Of course! That's a lot more funny. By modifying the sentence phonetically, I change the meaning a lot more drastically

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Here's another one, this time with Gwonam and a few other lines...

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In the second part, you can see where the sounds for the third part come from. Now when it comes to phonetic sentence mixing, you may not get it entirely as accurate as you may want it to sound. As in, it may not sound as obvious as you would hope to be. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad sentence mix. That sort of contrast works well to make the sentence mix funnier. It's from the manner in which it's edited that can create a laugh as equal as the intended line. In fact, contrast can work in a different way for a sentence mix by having two different audio portions create one message. Some of them are as simple as adding a Tourette's Guy swear on top of a noun that someone says, but others can be a lot more intricate and elaborate, paving the way for a plethora of creative options.

So now we're aware of what goes behind creating a sentence mix, but what exactly is the purpose of sentence mixing? Obviously it's to be funny, but you can be funny in so many ways. Sentence mixing tends to have four main purposes in a Youtube Poop. The first of which is to create pure nonsense. A Youtube Poop's entire goal is to be confusing in a very funny way, so there's certainly no better way to do that by the classic non-sequitor sentence mix. The examples shown above fit this category as they serve no further purpose aside from being absurd. When placed in any part of the video, it can provide a delightful lead in to a visual gag that serves no extra purpose other than being humorous. Non-sequitor sentence mixing is an easy way to use this tool as it allows one to work within the limits of their video. If one can't think of anything better to put in the poop, there's not much else that can be edited from the audio that could work better or one simply thinks their edit was funny enough that not including it would be a travesty, then simply placing the silly line in the right place works fine.

An interesting thing about the examples above is that they could also be used for a more comprehensive and thoughtful sentence mix. Those lines can be part of a story involving the King creating a superb pizza that then gets taken away by a Wario which can only be defeated by the power of ball-handling. It's pretty surreal but now it could be woven in to a narrative, one that can offer an abundance of hilarity. That sort of sentence mixing is a lot more complicated because it requires a more extensive selection of dialogue to splice through and it also requires one to be more attentive to find ways to construct speech that can be kept together by some logic. It may be an improvisational process where one create the lines as they hear the audio and then arrange them in ways that make sense or it could be a vague idea that then gets shaped by the audio placed before one. While it is more complex, it is a lot more interesting than a simple non-sequitor because now it allows for the poop to revolve around something more concrete rather than having to connect random pieces together in a smooth manner.

To take sentence mixing to a further degree, we need only to look to using sentence mixing as working off of a song or a speech. This generally means that you already have what you want the character to say in mind and are simply looking for the words or sounds to imitate it. Some poopers may take the script approach to generally sentence mixing, but it can be a lot easier to work around constructing the script as you look over the audio than it would to duplicate an already established script with said audio. This is usually the funnier and the most complex of the sentence mixing because it banks off of two of the greatest elements from the sentence mix. The awkwardness of making a character say something different, and using the voice of the character to say something different. A particularly notable and enjoyable example of this to me is when they made the DK64 announcer sing Snake Eater. The DK Rap itself is already pretty funny on it's own and it owes a great deal to his voice. The voice of the DK64 announcer clearly fits for the rap genre since it has a very accented and direct tone and inflection to it, but it also suffers from trying to be so hip that rather than become painful, it becomes disastrously entertaining. To take his voice and then try to set it to a more passionate tune like Snake Eater becomes foolish since we know already that the transition from a rhythm-focused speech pattern to a more melodic one is going to be a strange one. Not to mention that when the pieces start coming together, we come across tons of shits in tone and rhythm that stem from his voice. That, coupled with the melody behind his 'singing', leads to a lot of laughs.

There's one more, particularly notable usage that the sentence mix finds itself in. That being the diss. Like rappers, poopers like to fling shit at other people, though in the latter it may not be as fervent or gruesome as a battle as the former. And there's no better way to lay the smackdown in this field than having Mama Luigi, Hotel Mario, Dr. Rabbit or Sonic call someone's punk ass out for the little bitch that they are. I remember that the first and one of the most hilarious versions of the diss sentence mix came from one of the tennis matches between Captpan6 and Deepercutt, in which a GTA character uttered 'Kro-bo-Pro-duc-tions needs to get laid'. I don't know exactly what the context of that diss came from but I do remember that I was in tears when I first heard it. The diss sentence mix oddly enough has a lot more grace and flow to it than a standard sentence mix. I don't know why that is, maybe it's because there's such a focused attempt to get the name of the target and then to humiliate them that it has to come up in a way that hits hard. Perhaps the greater reason comes from Likety's Fuck Youchew, in which Likety takes the lines from Fuck Compton and lays down one of the most extensive and aggressive call-outs in Youtube Poop history. It really captured the venom and power that comes from the diss and I figure that many who want to make their own diss look upon this video to understand how to do it best.

Sentence mixing is a grand part of the Youtube Poop identity because it is one of the ways that the pooper can play god with his material. In just a few splices and alterations here and there, anyone in the world can be made to say anything possible. Nice guys can become meanies, religious zealots can denounce their own gods, scumbags can call themselves scumbags, and innocent little cartoon characters can become sailor-mouthed perverted psychopaths. It takes on its own identity as those lines that become spliced become catchphrases of their own. Time after time, we on this site quote lines from some of the greatest poops, lines that were sentence mixed together. The popularity of YTP's sentence mixing mutated to others using it more often. The slogan of Youtube Poop, as simple as it may be, is a sentence mix. It is the key to our irreverent and dumb humor. While there is a lot more that goes into a poop, we can't deny that one of the key ways that it promotes itself is through the sentence mix. It's one of our strongest pillars and we hope to maintain it as strong as possible.