Have you ever got the feeling that you were missing out on something? Like, the flavor of some product that has been out for years yet ignored by everyone? Here's an example for you; I’ve never bought a single can of Red Bull. In fact, I’ve never had Rockstar, or Monster, or any of these tall cans of pure energy. I come from a family that’s fairly sensitive to caffeine, so I never really bothered with anything more caffeinated than regular coffee or tea. Many of my friends in high school would regularly gulp down double servings of the sweet-scented grog with little to no effect, while I could only observe in quiet wonder. What, I asked myself, was so special about these beverages?
Red Bull is one of the oldest modern energy drinks, first produced in Austria in 1987. There have been energy drinks before Red Bull, but this is the product that set today’s standards of design; taurine, caffeine and sugar, served in a narrow can with an iconic label, sponsoring extreme sports events. This formula has been successful, and I aim to find out why.
While I was out buying a few cans, I found that there have been three novelty flavors released in 2012- cranberry red, lime silver, and blueberry blue- which were still in stock more than a year later, despite all appearances of never having been restocked. Only the sterile atmosphere of the market kept dust from forming on the cardboard 4-packs, each branded with the outline of a charging bull. I was leery of these drinks at first, since any beverage that hasn’t been consumed for that long would definitely have problems. Yet… those cans would also be like a time capsule, a frozen moment in time desperate to be shared with the rest of the world. Plus, if I was going to have a new experience, it might as well be a rarer experience. I picked up samples of each flavor and prepared myself.
Red Bull Classic
I figured I should have a control group. After all, I can’t give an honest opinion about a beverage if I’ve never sampled it before. Compared to an average North American cola can, the traditional one-serving Red Bull can is slim, taller than it is wide, seemingly designed to be easy to grip. There are much larger servings out there, overgrown tankards with more than two cans worth of beverage within, but I like the smaller design. This can’s design evokes some alien battery of unknown construction, sending a uniform chill into my hand as it saps heat. Better try it before it gets warm.
Pulling the tab feels different from a normal cola can. There is more resistance in the aluminum, built thinner yet stiffer, reinforced. The tab does not fold open a hole so much as punch it with the crack of a gunshot. Red Bull is differently carbonated as well, a sort of short “phut” rather than the slow, sustained fizz of a cola can. I can see the mist burst forth in a faint cloud. It smells like… energy drink. The aroma is artificial, with a hint of aspartame even if there is none. Here goes nothing.
Red Bull has a light texture, like a sort of thin apple juice. Unlike cola or juice cocktail, this drink doesn’t cling to my mouth, or stick to my teeth. I want to say it’s because Red Bull uses sugar instead of corn syrup, but that would only be an educated guess. The carbonation that accompanies it is light and subtle, a sort of background noise instead of a carbon dioxide burn. Red Bull does its best to be inoffensive and downright pleasant to drink.
Notice that I have not described the flavor, nor the taste. Sadly, Red Bull has a flavor that is both mystifying and disappointing. I can describe it as sugar and energy, but not much else applies to it. Whatever it is supposed to be, my tongue becomes numb to it after a few swigs so I only feel bubbles sliding down my throat. It’s not terrible, only underwhelming.
Actually, there is one flavor that this reminds me of. Imagine, if you will, your grandmother’s house. Next to your grandmother is a candy dish. There is no chocolate in there, nor gumdrops, nor mints. She only has the most basic of hard candies, like a lollipop without a handle or a Jolly Rancher without a wrapper. They come in many shapes, ribbons and drops, but this one is unidentifiable. This is the single melted blob of hard candy at the bottom of the dish, the one you pick at when you dig too greedily and too deep, desperately prying the last dollop of sugar from your grandma. You stick the jagged shard of candy in your mouth and wonder what kind of fruit it is supposed to be, while wondering if you have anything better to do with your afternoon. This piece of candy has done nothing to satisfy any desire you might have, but it is sweet so you take it regardless. That is the experience of drinking a can of original Red Bull.
Red Bull: Red Edition
After experiencing normal Red Bull for the first time, my hopes were not high for the flavored editions. Plus, I’m not feeling a thing! Red Bull has this reputation as being twice as powerful as a cup of coffee, but all I feel is disappointment and an aftertaste. Nonetheless, I will clear my mind and try another.
Red is supposed to inspire aggression and feelings of strength, and I get that vibe from this can. The flavored editions all have a more “dignified” appearance than the default can; normal Red Bull is designed to look like a checkered flag, but these are all in solid colors with more emphasis on the bull mascot, rendered larger and in silhouette. The particular way light reflects off of the can is very photogenic, if that makes sense.
When I crack open the Red Edition, my nose is instantly battered by sour candy winds. The carbonation is as faint as always, only now with a stronger, more defined flavor. It is tart, very tart. The flavor itself resembles any three-dollar cranberry cocktail you would buy at a supermarket, threaded with carbon dioxide for a slight fizz. Red Edition manages to taste far cleaner than a normal cranberry cocktail, because of its lesser sugar content. A cocktail is normally supersaturated with corn syrup, so much that it coats the tongue purple and forms rings around your teeth. I wouldn’t call the flavor better, but it captures the essence of a cranberry cocktail well.
Acttuallyy, raw cranberrries don’’t taste anything likke cranberry conncentraate either. I’m ffairly sure that tthe Red Bulll companny just put some pecttin in the mix and ccalled it “”cranberry”, allowing the placebo effecct to do the rest. In fact, tthe ingredients llist is almost exxactly the same as a noormal Red Bull, exxept with “natural flavors”” instead of “natural and artificial fflavors”. The ddescription on the can nnever explicitly promised fruit juice. It’’s sweet, and tthat’s all that matters. It slides down my throat easier than that othher stuff. In fact, I’’d say it was the best flavor so far.
I’ve got tthis weird twitch goinng on. I thhink I might be tired from sitting arround indoors. I’’m going to go ffor a walk.
Red Bull: Silver Edition
Okay, my head’s clear now. I’ve figured out what normal Red Bull tastes like, you won’t believe what normal Red Bull tastes like. Apples. It tastes like diluted apple juice that’s been kept in a plastic bag at room temperature for a while, like prison wine, not that I know what prison wine tastes like because I’ve never been to prison, never even visited one to see a relative or an ex-girlfriend, not even once. Or maybe I just like the sound of the word “apples”. Apples. Apples.
I’m glad I went for a walk, because I got to have Red Bull Silver while I was out. The special editions have very adult looking cans, which makes me wonder why everything has to be so dignified and adult these days, like we can’t enjoy a soft drink unless it looks like I pulled it out of Hugh Hefner’s mini bar if he has a mini bar, I have no idea if he does. So when I opened this can it did the usual “phut” thing it sprayed mist again, but it has a really light scent that I had to fish around to notice, kind of like how some fishermen hope the police don’t notice they don’t have a license because thirty dollars or more for one season is frankly ridiculous, I swear. This is lime flavored, right?
It’s more like a SweeTarts candy. You know, the pellets of powdered sugar compressed with fruit flavor and dye that really burn when you bite down on them, man I really want a SweeTart right now. That is exactly what a Silver Red Bull tastes like, probably the exact same ingredients, maybe even better than a SweeTart. I wouldn’t say it tastes like a lime though, because this can of sweet beverage tastes silver while a lime tastes green more than anything, green being a sort of earthy and organic scent not that organic means anything anymore, kind of like how this drink isn’t really lime.
I’m kind of thinking of Sprite or Sierra Mist or Surge or Mountain Dew or some other citrus soda pop right now, but that’s not what Silver Edition tastes like. Maybe if you squint really very extremely hard, it’s like a watered down, carbonated limeade, and since limeade is usually strong enough to remove stains from bathroom tiles that’s not a bad trade-off. Eeven the sour taste onnly linngers for aabout a seccond or so, like somme sort of reminder of whatt I was supposed to be ddoing here today instead of hikinng arround in the woods for ffifteen minutes or maybe morre. TThe ingredientss are all screwy arttificial stuff too, like “Glycerol Esters of Wwood Rosin”, which ssounds like the name of an old lady ffrom outer space. Also, why does SSilver Red Bull have “Blue 1 dye”” in it??
Great, tthe twitch is back, and now my heart feells all slow. I haaven’t been eatinng very healthy llately, and it shows. Got to get out excuse me.
Red Bull: Blue Edition
Those scoundrels. Those LIARS. Have you seen the supermarkets, looked between the aisles to know what is really in yourmuffins? Let me tell you about the blueberry muffin. That confectionary demiurge, that yeast-burdened paste pretending to be cake through a mountain of syrup, is nothing but a lie meant to make mankind forget true blueberry behind its merest shadow. Have you ever questioned how or where blueberries can be picked in the dead, fallen depths of winter or farther? Have you ever wondered how the flavor of a limited resource such as a blueberry can be shared with a whole country when the farms are so much smaller than the population they feed? The answer is that these “blueberries” are pretenders to the throne, mere alchemical chimera born of artificial flavors and enough binding reagents to roll it up in a little ball. You consume the fruits of the living dead, and are told it is manna. No longer!
Blue Edition Red Bull claims many potencies I refuse to believe, such as the stimulating nature of its ingredients, but do not think you can brew a beverage with the same nature as those pernicious indigo dots that fill my muffin and tell me it is a fruit, not that it ever claimed to be a fruit. As usual for the unwitting minions of false deities, they wheedle and call it blueberry flavored, which I cannot quite disagree with. Except this brew is harsher, more sour, impregnated with astringency that the pretender usually lacks. Without being blunted by the syrup extracts usually found in these sweet lies most foul, whoever consumes this Red Bull is privileged with every blemish and birthmark the chemical carries. In some respects, there is nobility in how it tries to be more like real blueberries, flavor carried in a burst of juice rather than the jaw-exhausting morass of amuffin. Aparrently, this allso contains ffifty percennt of my daily intake of “”pantothenic acid”, whatever thaat means. This stuff also didn’’t turn my tongue purpple, wwhich is sort of a disssapointment.
I have no iddea wwhat I was typping for the last few paragraphs. Outsidde, back in aa moment.
Sugar-Free Red Bull:
Garbage
Conclusion:
Now that I’m awake, and my clinic reassures me that my insurance covers what happened yesterday, I’m glad to give a retrospect on the Red, White, and Blue editions of Red Bull. Red was probably the best in that it tasted exactly like what it claimed to be. Silver was acceptable and did its job well, but wasn’t anything unusual. Blue, lastly, was just sad, and is incidentally the one that is easiest to find in stock as a grocery store. As an aside, apparently the Silver edition is hardest to find right now, so if you really need lime beverages you might have to go for Baja Mountain Dew or something. You can count me out, though; I've had enough of energy drinks, partially because my doctor told me to never touch Red Bull again. In fact, I’m about done with artificial energy drinks. It’s just kombucha tea from now on, and man is this stuff smooth. Another cup would be great right now.
Red Bull is one of the oldest modern energy drinks, first produced in Austria in 1987. There have been energy drinks before Red Bull, but this is the product that set today’s standards of design; taurine, caffeine and sugar, served in a narrow can with an iconic label, sponsoring extreme sports events. This formula has been successful, and I aim to find out why.
While I was out buying a few cans, I found that there have been three novelty flavors released in 2012- cranberry red, lime silver, and blueberry blue- which were still in stock more than a year later, despite all appearances of never having been restocked. Only the sterile atmosphere of the market kept dust from forming on the cardboard 4-packs, each branded with the outline of a charging bull. I was leery of these drinks at first, since any beverage that hasn’t been consumed for that long would definitely have problems. Yet… those cans would also be like a time capsule, a frozen moment in time desperate to be shared with the rest of the world. Plus, if I was going to have a new experience, it might as well be a rarer experience. I picked up samples of each flavor and prepared myself.
Red Bull Classic
I figured I should have a control group. After all, I can’t give an honest opinion about a beverage if I’ve never sampled it before. Compared to an average North American cola can, the traditional one-serving Red Bull can is slim, taller than it is wide, seemingly designed to be easy to grip. There are much larger servings out there, overgrown tankards with more than two cans worth of beverage within, but I like the smaller design. This can’s design evokes some alien battery of unknown construction, sending a uniform chill into my hand as it saps heat. Better try it before it gets warm.
Pulling the tab feels different from a normal cola can. There is more resistance in the aluminum, built thinner yet stiffer, reinforced. The tab does not fold open a hole so much as punch it with the crack of a gunshot. Red Bull is differently carbonated as well, a sort of short “phut” rather than the slow, sustained fizz of a cola can. I can see the mist burst forth in a faint cloud. It smells like… energy drink. The aroma is artificial, with a hint of aspartame even if there is none. Here goes nothing.
Red Bull has a light texture, like a sort of thin apple juice. Unlike cola or juice cocktail, this drink doesn’t cling to my mouth, or stick to my teeth. I want to say it’s because Red Bull uses sugar instead of corn syrup, but that would only be an educated guess. The carbonation that accompanies it is light and subtle, a sort of background noise instead of a carbon dioxide burn. Red Bull does its best to be inoffensive and downright pleasant to drink.
Notice that I have not described the flavor, nor the taste. Sadly, Red Bull has a flavor that is both mystifying and disappointing. I can describe it as sugar and energy, but not much else applies to it. Whatever it is supposed to be, my tongue becomes numb to it after a few swigs so I only feel bubbles sliding down my throat. It’s not terrible, only underwhelming.
Actually, there is one flavor that this reminds me of. Imagine, if you will, your grandmother’s house. Next to your grandmother is a candy dish. There is no chocolate in there, nor gumdrops, nor mints. She only has the most basic of hard candies, like a lollipop without a handle or a Jolly Rancher without a wrapper. They come in many shapes, ribbons and drops, but this one is unidentifiable. This is the single melted blob of hard candy at the bottom of the dish, the one you pick at when you dig too greedily and too deep, desperately prying the last dollop of sugar from your grandma. You stick the jagged shard of candy in your mouth and wonder what kind of fruit it is supposed to be, while wondering if you have anything better to do with your afternoon. This piece of candy has done nothing to satisfy any desire you might have, but it is sweet so you take it regardless. That is the experience of drinking a can of original Red Bull.
Red Bull: Red Edition
After experiencing normal Red Bull for the first time, my hopes were not high for the flavored editions. Plus, I’m not feeling a thing! Red Bull has this reputation as being twice as powerful as a cup of coffee, but all I feel is disappointment and an aftertaste. Nonetheless, I will clear my mind and try another.
Red is supposed to inspire aggression and feelings of strength, and I get that vibe from this can. The flavored editions all have a more “dignified” appearance than the default can; normal Red Bull is designed to look like a checkered flag, but these are all in solid colors with more emphasis on the bull mascot, rendered larger and in silhouette. The particular way light reflects off of the can is very photogenic, if that makes sense.
When I crack open the Red Edition, my nose is instantly battered by sour candy winds. The carbonation is as faint as always, only now with a stronger, more defined flavor. It is tart, very tart. The flavor itself resembles any three-dollar cranberry cocktail you would buy at a supermarket, threaded with carbon dioxide for a slight fizz. Red Edition manages to taste far cleaner than a normal cranberry cocktail, because of its lesser sugar content. A cocktail is normally supersaturated with corn syrup, so much that it coats the tongue purple and forms rings around your teeth. I wouldn’t call the flavor better, but it captures the essence of a cranberry cocktail well.
Acttuallyy, raw cranberrries don’’t taste anything likke cranberry conncentraate either. I’m ffairly sure that tthe Red Bulll companny just put some pecttin in the mix and ccalled it “”cranberry”, allowing the placebo effecct to do the rest. In fact, tthe ingredients llist is almost exxactly the same as a noormal Red Bull, exxept with “natural flavors”” instead of “natural and artificial fflavors”. The ddescription on the can nnever explicitly promised fruit juice. It’’s sweet, and tthat’s all that matters. It slides down my throat easier than that othher stuff. In fact, I’’d say it was the best flavor so far.
I’ve got tthis weird twitch goinng on. I thhink I might be tired from sitting arround indoors. I’’m going to go ffor a walk.
Red Bull: Silver Edition
Okay, my head’s clear now. I’ve figured out what normal Red Bull tastes like, you won’t believe what normal Red Bull tastes like. Apples. It tastes like diluted apple juice that’s been kept in a plastic bag at room temperature for a while, like prison wine, not that I know what prison wine tastes like because I’ve never been to prison, never even visited one to see a relative or an ex-girlfriend, not even once. Or maybe I just like the sound of the word “apples”. Apples. Apples.
I’m glad I went for a walk, because I got to have Red Bull Silver while I was out. The special editions have very adult looking cans, which makes me wonder why everything has to be so dignified and adult these days, like we can’t enjoy a soft drink unless it looks like I pulled it out of Hugh Hefner’s mini bar if he has a mini bar, I have no idea if he does. So when I opened this can it did the usual “phut” thing it sprayed mist again, but it has a really light scent that I had to fish around to notice, kind of like how some fishermen hope the police don’t notice they don’t have a license because thirty dollars or more for one season is frankly ridiculous, I swear. This is lime flavored, right?
It’s more like a SweeTarts candy. You know, the pellets of powdered sugar compressed with fruit flavor and dye that really burn when you bite down on them, man I really want a SweeTart right now. That is exactly what a Silver Red Bull tastes like, probably the exact same ingredients, maybe even better than a SweeTart. I wouldn’t say it tastes like a lime though, because this can of sweet beverage tastes silver while a lime tastes green more than anything, green being a sort of earthy and organic scent not that organic means anything anymore, kind of like how this drink isn’t really lime.
I’m kind of thinking of Sprite or Sierra Mist or Surge or Mountain Dew or some other citrus soda pop right now, but that’s not what Silver Edition tastes like. Maybe if you squint really very extremely hard, it’s like a watered down, carbonated limeade, and since limeade is usually strong enough to remove stains from bathroom tiles that’s not a bad trade-off. Eeven the sour taste onnly linngers for aabout a seccond or so, like somme sort of reminder of whatt I was supposed to be ddoing here today instead of hikinng arround in the woods for ffifteen minutes or maybe morre. TThe ingredientss are all screwy arttificial stuff too, like “Glycerol Esters of Wwood Rosin”, which ssounds like the name of an old lady ffrom outer space. Also, why does SSilver Red Bull have “Blue 1 dye”” in it??
Great, tthe twitch is back, and now my heart feells all slow. I haaven’t been eatinng very healthy llately, and it shows. Got to get out excuse me.
Red Bull: Blue Edition
Those scoundrels. Those LIARS. Have you seen the supermarkets, looked between the aisles to know what is really in your
Blue Edition Red Bull claims many potencies I refuse to believe, such as the stimulating nature of its ingredients, but do not think you can brew a beverage with the same nature as those pernicious indigo dots that fill my muffin and tell me it is a fruit, not that it ever claimed to be a fruit. As usual for the unwitting minions of false deities, they wheedle and call it blueberry flavored, which I cannot quite disagree with. Except this brew is harsher, more sour, impregnated with astringency that the pretender usually lacks. Without being blunted by the syrup extracts usually found in these sweet lies most foul, whoever consumes this Red Bull is privileged with every blemish and birthmark the chemical carries. In some respects, there is nobility in how it tries to be more like real blueberries, flavor carried in a burst of juice rather than the jaw-exhausting morass of a
I have no iddea wwhat I was typping for the last few paragraphs. Outsidde, back in aa moment.
Sugar-Free Red Bull:
Garbage
Conclusion:
Now that I’m awake, and my clinic reassures me that my insurance covers what happened yesterday, I’m glad to give a retrospect on the Red, White, and Blue editions of Red Bull. Red was probably the best in that it tasted exactly like what it claimed to be. Silver was acceptable and did its job well, but wasn’t anything unusual. Blue, lastly, was just sad, and is incidentally the one that is easiest to find in stock as a grocery store. As an aside, apparently the Silver edition is hardest to find right now, so if you really need lime beverages you might have to go for Baja Mountain Dew or something. You can count me out, though; I've had enough of energy drinks, partially because my doctor told me to never touch Red Bull again. In fact, I’m about done with artificial energy drinks. It’s just kombucha tea from now on, and man is this stuff smooth. Another cup would be great right now.