Women deserve their own publications, it’s totes the truth! We’re finally living in an age where women can vote, work, join the army and go out drinking, all the things that they wanted. Okay, maybe they still face a teensy tiny amount of discrimination, but hey, we’re getting closer! That’s why we need the kind of publications that celebrate what it means to be a woman, and all that being a woman means! That’s why we’re going to take a short tour of a recent issue of Women’s World , a magazine that represents everything these publications stand for.
Women's World Magazine was first launched in 1981 by Heinrich Bauer Verlag, a publishing company which set up office in New Jersey. This magazine stands out for it's editors; the current writers for Women's World are almost entirely women, or at least have women's names! This is a meaty 55 page publication, sold on supermarket shelves next to other respectable publications such as The Sun and The Daily News for less than two dollars!
There are lots and LOTS of women’s magazines out there, each with their own specialized focus, such as new miracle diets, itemized lists of dieting tips, or scientific breakthroughs on dieting! Women’s World spreads its topics out to every category that matters, in an effort to reach out to as many different kinds of women as possible. Every woman is slightly different, whether they enjoy giving themselves makeovers, making snacks for parties, making fancy snacks for fancy parties, giving their friend a makeover, making cocktails for cocktail parties, finally dropping their weight below one hundred pounds, or making tropical cocktails for tropical cocktail parties! We will talk about several of the headlines here, but the one at top-center deserves special mention for its genius design; "PMS- GONE! Cure the grumpies- just by eating an omelet!
There are many, many sensitive topics when it comes to being a woman in the twenty first century! As much as we try to be an open and empathetic society, there are still some subjects that are taboo even when they happen to half of everyone. In these kinds of situations, the best way to show that you care is to do what Women’s World does and make light of the situation! Don’t think of it as recurring emotional distress that can last for a week or more; it’s just “the grumpies”! When someone spills their double-cream latte and gets annoyed, or can’t use their favorite parking spot because it is already taken, they know exactly what you’re going through! And if you’re looking for a way to ease your achy-wakey pains, try changing your diet. Have you tried dieting yet? You should.
One of the most important and relevant parts of any magazine is the jokes section! Now, it’s true that anyone with an Internet connection can find an endless supply of puns if they are looking for them- and puns are the highest form of humor- but how will you know which jokes are the best ones unless Women’s World hand-picked them for you? Women’s World even offers inspirational quotes, such as this little quip from Siddartha Gautauma Buddha himself; “What you think, you become”. According to that Mr. Potato Head cartoon next to the quote, we are the answer to a Wheel of Fortune word puzzle! Don’t you feel like you’ve won half of a new car already?
Just to the right of those jokes, the same page has a wonderful blue sidebar titled “Take an instant ‘vacation’!” This is a list of four weird tips of a happy staycation, all meant to give you a vacation’s stress relief without any of the planning. For instance, you could try daydreaming about the kind of place you’d like to vacation at, so you can have that satisfaction without even beginning to set goals! The column even has a picture of a dog wearing sunglasses at the beach, to help set the mood! A suggestion at the end of the sidebar says, “For a quick chuckle, search YouTube.com for funny videos.” You might not have thought of checking one of the most popular video hosting sites on the Internet for a video with humor in it, but Women’s World is full of the kinds of suggestions that save you all of that time you might waste planning in the dark!
Here we see the two most important parts of any Women’s World article; lists and suggestions for your next shopping trip! Now, it’s tempting to call these advertisements, especially when they tell you the names of all the products, list their amazingly affordable low prices, and give links to the product manufacturer’s websites so you know where to get more fine items. However, try thinking of it as more of a guiding push from Women’s World! The cosmetics aisle is a crazy place with dozens if not hundreds of products, many of which are far overpriced for what they do- but you can’t just go out without makeup or nail polish! That would be nuts! It’s best to get advice from your favorite publication before you make any tough decisions, so you come into the supermarket with your mind already made up. Remember that whatever you think, you become, so think about the best bargains on nail lacquer you can find!
The actual ads are helpful as well! One of the best choices Women’s World made for their selection of commercials was- wait for it- a page dedicated to new Jalapeño flavored Spam! When a magazine dedicates a whole section to recipes, it’s nice to see that they still consider the lives of active women who don’t have time to spend two hours cooking every night, but still have one hour to assemble a can of Spam into a taco with feta cheese and black beans. That’s what Women’s World is about, “{Giving} Taco Night a Kick in the Maracas!”
For the articles themselves, there's a secret- everything needs to be in list format. An astute reader might ask why this article is not going too far in-depth about any of the subjects on display in Women’s World , and that is because most of these articles are no more than a few sentences long! The editors of Women’s World know that modern women are very busy individuals; between a full-time job, one or more children and the St. Patrick’s Day party that they are most certainly planning, there just isn’t enough time for a long, boring wall of text. Instead, give them an itemized list of all the hints they never knew they needed, so they can absorb the maximum amount of motivation with the minimum amount of time-munching research.
In fact, the biggest headline article in this issue only takes up two pages! Here Women’s World offers a guiding push towards the Wheat Belly diet, the secret art of weight loss being sold on supermarket shelves everywhere! At the risk of spoilers, the secret to Dr. William Davis’ weight loss tip is that the gluten in wheat products causes the human body to retain far more weight than usual. Although this is information that has been known for decades, this book combines that common knowledge with a wide variety of recipes that have been gathered for you so you don’t have to spend fifteen whole minutes finding free low-gluten recipes on the Internet!
The article on the Wheat Belly diet also demonstrates another genius time saving writing technique! “In a recent poll,” it begins, “America’s top nutritionists made a bold prediction for 2014: Wheat-free diets will be the hottest way to lose weight this year.” Which poll are they talking about? Who are the nutritionists? What criteria determine whether a diet is popular? The secret is, none of that matters to the readers of Women’s World! Busy women have no time for research when they have to fit baking and accessorizing into the same day, so don’t bother citing sources. You don’t even need to say who wrote the article half of the time, nobody’s looking! As long as the diet works, there’s no problem.
Speaking of baking, this issue’s cover features these enchanting cupcakes with candied leprechaun heads perched on them, for the big event we all planned on St Patrick’s Day! The recipe is not shown in this photo- we can’t give spoilers on everything, after all- but rest assured that it involves building a scaffold for the merry magical men, like a parade float! The end result is a dessert that’s beautiful to look at… though eating it would be a shame. You spent loads and loads of time bisecting Airheads Xtreme rainbow candies and assembling them into tiny bowties, the least your guests should do is take a photo for Facebook before they devour the whole kit-n’-kaboodle in two bites!
Having a smorgasbord of frosted baked goods right after the main article about losing weight by cutting wheat products out of your diet seems confusing or even counter-intuitive, there’s a paid advertisement in the form of genuine clinical research that can set you back on the diet track! The makers of Vysera-CLS (which can be read about here: http://dietpill-revi....uk/vysera-cls/ ) paid an editor from MyFreeDiet.com to write a two-page spread about their miracle in pill form, which allows anyone to lose weight while still eating 2,000 calories a day and not exercising significantly! The ad describes this pill’s effects as “sort of like eating a donut, but only absorbing a fraction of the calories”, just like using Olestra in home cooking! And while a woman with a healthy body weight of 140-150 pounds or so might be offended by the sculpted, grinning, underwear-clad model posing in this ad, she’s got her back to the camera in a non-threatening manner, making her as acceptable as the rest of the sculpted, grinning models in this issue!
There’s so much more even in this single issue of Women’s World , but we would only bore you by listing it all. These kinds of publications are best when you pay two dollars to own it yourself, and give it a quick browse while waiting your turn at the hairdresser! While the sheer number of publications targeted at women is so mind-boggling, it’s practically cray-cray, articles like this can help un-boggle the mind. Remember to give your local magazine rack a quick browse whenever you can- you’d be surprised what you might learn about the way we learn! Whatever you think, you become, so be sure to think about Women’s World as much as you can!
In fact, here’s a quick exercise you can do to get in tune with your proud female self. The first step is to take your back issues of Women’s World , and soak them in a solution of water and Elmer’s School Glue, $1.99 at any crafts store. Leave that paper to sit for a few hours; in the meantime, feel free to read some classic literature (William Faulkner was decades ahead of his time), or perhaps research the background of your town representative. Blow up a balloon, and wrap the soaked paper around the shape as a cast. Decorate the outside of this shape with crepe paper of any color you want, regardless of what our entertainment scientists say is the best color, and then wait for it to dry. Cut a small hole in this shape and fill it with any candy you want (the calories don’t matter when it tastes good!); close this hole up with a little more glue.
Congratulations, you’ve made a piñata! Now beat it with a stick and collect the goodies inside, because that’s the only way you’re getting anything of worth from Women’s World .
