The "You Are Tearing Me Apart, Reggie!" Award
For the most unintentionally funny moment
We’re starting things off with a new award, one that we somehow missed out on last year. E3 is famous for bad speech muckups, technical fuckups, and an array of events that are supposed to make us cheer and applaud, but instead make us burst out in derisive laughter. While last year’s event was mostly just a grand bore, this year did not disappoint in the category of unintentional comedy.
The top two contestants were neck-and-neck. From Sony’s conference, we had Assassin’s Creed IV break down before our eyes, lagging, skipping, and eventually just freezing up, all while the man playing stood there with a sad, defeated look on his face. While that was funny, the moment that came on top was the lack of audio in the trailers for both Crimson Dragon and Battlefield 4.
To add insult to injury, the guys in charge of the conference allowed the Crimson Dragon trailer to play through to the end without its audio, while the EA representative demanded that we be able to listen to Battlefield 4’s glorious sounds of generic military action, all the while as the audience laughed and jeered. It was certainly a riot to sit through; if only it was the greatest of Microsoft's problems.
For the most awkward placement of motion control into a pre-existing franchise
Surprisingly, there weren't that many instances of forced motion control this year. One can only be hopeful in thinking that gaming companies have decided to cut back on that shit, but it’s more likely that they’re just keeping it away from E3 so the “hardcore” crowd won’t have something to laugh at. With that said, we’ll go for the next best thing: using your mobile device.
It’s funny; developers complain about it being too frustrating to develop games for the Wii U Gamepad, and then turn around and make games that use your iPad as an external control device. It’s almost like they just hate Nintendo. Almost.
The most prominent use of an iPad as an unnecessary controller was using it to summon an air strike in Dead Rising 3. Need we remind you that the whole point of Dead Rising is to carve through hordes of zombies in fun and creative ways, and having a kill switch takes the fun out of it. You might as well just hire on James Rolfe and ask if you can borrow his "beat-a-game" button. Because if you can just win the game with the push of a button, why bother playing?
For the most patronized on-stage performer
During the Microsoft conference, two players came on stage to present the new Killer Instinct game. As they played, one of them let loose a few comments that were...controversial, to say the least. Within hours of the conference concluding, the internet was ablaze with self-righteous fury.
"Just let it happen, it'll be over soon,” became a shining beacon of controversy that lasted the whole week of the show. Was the massive backlash called for? Maybe, maybe not. One could argue that he would've said that regardless of whether he was playing with a man or a woman. One could also argue that he was being a sexist douchebag and should've watched his tongue. Whatever the case may be, the girl he was playing with probably didn’t appreciate being treated like a joke. Regardless of whether she took offense to the comment, we’ll give her this award on account of being the most patronized performer.
For the biggest "Oh SNAP" moment of the show
This year had a lot of great surprises to choose from. We were graced with trailers for Final Fantasy Versus XIII (now christened Final Fantasy XV) and Kingdom Hearts III, two games that had long since thought to be vaporware. We got tons of information about the new Super Smash Bros, including the reveal that Mega Man would be joining the cast, which blew a lot of us off our feet. However, there was one thing that was even more surprising, and it wasn’t even a game trailer.
Going into Sony's conference, everyone was terrified that they would use the same system of constant monitoring and game licensing that Microsoft will be using. Near the end of the conference, however, after showing off an array of great-looking new games, Jack Tretton suddenly dropped a bombshell by saying that the PS4 would support used games. And that you could share games without hassle. And that it wouldn’t require an online connection. And that it wouldn’t require online checkups. And he just went on and on in an epic smackdown of the Xbox One.
We haven’t seen such an awesome, savage beatdown of a competitor in years, and this was the giant final nail in the coffin on the Xbox One’s chances of success. Oh, and this video posted online later didn’t hurt things either.
Oh no they didn’t.
For the biggest bait and switch
When we saw the reveal for the new Killer Instinct, we were pleasantly surprised. We knew that Rare would be trotting out a new entry in one of their old franchises, so we feared for the worst; however, seeing how it could've been another desecration of poor Banjo, or a Conker sequel without any of the original developers, Killer Instinct wasn't too bad of a result.
The problem came in when it was later announced that you could get the game as free to play with exactly one character: Jago. All other characters would be purchase only.
To be fair, it was eventually revealed that it was possible to just buy the full game as usual. However, at the time, we didn't know that, and our excitement for Killer Instinct took a swift 180 when we heard this bit of news. Could've been worse, but still quite the unpleasant surprise.
For the most unsettling corporate partnership
You know, it really says something that all of this year's contestants had Xbox somewhere in the mix.
Perhaps the most unsettling of all partnerships that surfaced this year was that between Microsoft and EA, who, as expected, was glad to share its whole-hog support of Microsoft's "buy once, suffer forever" ideals". While it did come close, though, one nominee came out on top.
We're sure you all remember this priceless image.
This became the iconic representation of the state of gaming journalism; a man with a blank, dead look in his eyes promoting a game while surrounded by advertisements.
And now they're doing it all over again.
Microsoft announced that their partnership with Doritos and Mountain Dew would be "the biggest gaming promotion in brand history". Or to put it more bluntly, the biggest sellout in brand history.
Buy Doritos and Mountain Dew and you could win a new Xbox! Wow jeepers creepers!
Was this a joke? We thought so at first. But as time went by, it slowly dawned on us that this was real, and that they were serious. Had it not been for Dorito-gate, we probably wouldn't have made quite as big of a deal out of this as we did, but with it still fresh in our mind, it's hard not to look at this image and think "sellout". And seeing how Microsoft's lumped in the middle there, that statement couldn't be any more appropriate.
For the announcement/presentation that had the least to do with video games at a conference about video games
While we'd love to just point to Microsoft's pre-E3 Xbone reveal as the pinnacle of anti-game gaming, we're going to leave that off the table for now. They kept it out of E3, so it's only fair game. However, it's quite clear that the reason they didn't save it until E3 is precisely because they knew they'd get the massive backlash.
So we'll give them a pass for this award. Instead, we'll focus on the announcement of a Need for Speed movie.
Put aside the fact that video game movies in general tend to be shit, and that trying to make a game into a movie more often than not damages the IP more than helps it. This is a movie...for Need for Speed. A racing game with little to no plot structure whatsoever. We'd say it'd be like making a movie based on Mario Kart, but at least it has pre-established characters, flat as they may be. Instead, it'd be more like basing a game on the epic conflict of Pong, between Paddle A and Paddle B.
Not only was the announcement stupid, but it was incredibly unnecessary at a trade show supposed to be about games. As such, Need for Speed: The Movie most certainly lives the ESPN Experience.
(Though don't count yourself out of the running just yet, Microsoft. We'll get to you.)
For the most boring game due to lack of innovation
Another new award, this one focuses on games that refuse to innovate, and instead bore us with nothing new, as displayed by its namesake, Call of Doggy (which, unfortunately, was not on display at E3, meaning it dodged this bullet). With this award, it came down to two choices. One of the most popular choices was Ryse: Son of Rome, in which the player did nothing but perform quicktime event after quicktime event, with every single action scripted. In fact, some who played the demos reported that even upon failing the quicktime events, there was no penalty, and the developers said they made this choice because they "didn't want players to feel frustrated". Really, when it comes down to that, you might as well just make a movie.
Though while Ryse accumulated many votes, the choice that came out on top was EA, with their slew of sports titles.
Football! Basketball! Soccer! Wrestling! Aw yeah! Holy shit dog!
Okay, look, we know that there's an audience for these games and that, in general, we aren't it. And we know that there's other franchises that tend to meander about in sameyness out of fear of losing a fanbase (we're looking at you, Mario). But there's two stark differences between EA Sports rehashes and Nintendo rehashes. The first is that Nintendo usually puts out one, maybe two games per console in a given series, while EA churns out a new sports title year after year, which you think would be great, but instead it just allows them to wallow in the same pool of mediocrity. The other difference is that Nintendo games are...well, good.
Yeah, that's biased, but let's be honest; you could just play the same FIFA game for 5 years without really missing out on anything aside from a few GUI, roster, and graphical changes. And we don't think any of us were clamoring for a new Madden anytime soon.
So out of sheer boredom and failure to innovate, we award EA Sports with the "Exciting Dog Action!" award. Ooh! Ah! Wowzers!
For the most cringe-worthy and painful game/presentation to sit through
Another new award, this emblem is proudly presented to whatever was the most painful to sit through.
You know the feeling. Wii Music. Vitality Sensor. Microsoft's conference last year. Those moments that aren't so bad they're funny, they're so bad they just hurt, and you want them to stop.
And this year, we were presented with such a moment.
Exhibit A: "Rabbids Invasion".
So...let's get this straight. It's a TV show...that you interact with by using your Kinect...by waving at stuff on the screen and screaming into the microphone, which tangentially causes changes to occur in the show. Or maybe not. Maybe it just plays the same either way, like with Ryse. We honestly don't know.
So in other words, it's the Sega CD.
That's not even a joke. They're literally the same thing: pre-recorded footage that you have some basic control over before it transitions to more pre-recorded footage.
Yeah, this is obviously a game/show/whatever tailored for kids, but come on. Don't insult kids' intelligence. Mario is good for kids. Pokemon is good for kids. And yes, Rayman is good for kids, because it's a fun game that doesn't treat you like a brain-dead infant.
The whole time, watching kids being expected to wildly swat their hands at the screen and then scream at the Rabbids, it just hurt. A lot. It was a combination nightmare of the horrible Kinect conferences of 2010-2011 and the Rabbids who, frankly, in a sea of Despicable Me-inspired chattering "cute"...things, have lost their charm.
Stop it, Ubisoft.
Just stop.
For the worst excuse of a "Girl Gamer"
Speaking of Ubisoft...
Remember last year's E3, with the mildly annoying Aisha Tyler and her joke about "girl wood"?
Yeah, she made it into a hash tag.
While there weren't too many nominees for annoying phony girl gamers (even the girl being mocked playing Killer Instinct didn't constantly shove "HEY GUYS I'M A GIRL AND I PLAY GAMES ISN'T THAT JUST WAAACKY" in our faces), Aisha more than made up for it.
Yeah Aisha, we get it. You're tall. You're a female. You did dirty things to people. You get girl boners. You probably have a penis. Please stop making us think you have a penis.
Well, at least we can take this as a sign that things are getting better when Aisha's the only disingenuous "girl gamer" at the show. Now if only she wasn't such an extreme example of it.
For the most shoehorned-in celebrity
This new award is for something that we're certainly no stranger to at E3: celebrity appearances.
From Shaun White snowboarding to Usher and Flo Rida's dance numbers, often gaming companies prefer to have celebrities come along to pitch a game rather than let the game just pitch itself. And while there were plenty of choices to pick from, almost all of whom came from EA, such as the terrifying "super real" LeBron James, we went with Drake, who came out to give a speech about...FIFA.
Again, let's try to think positives. At least it wasn't a rap (gonna take a swing at da fifa fourteen, gonna hit the ball and i'll give it mah all and with dribbletek it's gonna be sick).
But yeah, this was still pretty stupid. Because when we think video games, we think rappers talking about soccer.
While not as much of a travesty as last year's onslaught of celebrity appearances, this was still pretty silly, and earns the shining shattered disco ball of shame.
For the worst performer of the show
God damn it, Ubisoft.
Look, maybe it's the pressure of only having one speaker on stage 90% of the time. Microsoft and Sony constantly shifted speakers, while Nintendo was pre-recorded which meant no stupid stage shenanigans. So maybe it's just something inherent in the system.
But Ubisoft, why must your speakers be so goddamn annoying?
First there was Mr. Caffeine and his legendary display of awfulness. Then came Aisha paired up with Toby, who absorbed most of the hate due to his oafish shenanigans. But this year, Aisha was all on her own, which meant it was up to her to make as many dumb jokes, stupid one-liners, and bad puns as possible.
You're not funny, Aisha.
Okay, let's be reasonable; she's not the worst in the world. Lord knows she's leagues above he-who-shall-not-be-caffeinated, but the fact that Ubisoft keeps getting recognized as having the worst speakers seems to be a growing epidemic.
From master to student, the student will become the master, who will take on the new student and continue their legacy for eternity. And so you, Aisha Tyler, will continue the eternal legacy of Mr. Caffeine.
And so he spake: Doodly doodly doodly doop.
For the company that made the biggest ass out of themselves, in both presentation and content
We could easily just post this and call it a day.
But that would be too easy. Besides, the rabbit hole goes much deeper than their initial shitty reveal.
When you get right down to it, the conference itself wasn't so bad. They had a reasonable amount of games, some of which look really good. Yes there were the hilarious technical fuck-ups with the Crimson Dragon and Battlefield 4 trailers not working. Yes someone playing Killer Instinct possibly said something incredibly sexist and offensive. Yes Microsoft's idea of what we would sound like on Twitch is beyond inane. But when you compare it to their last three years, their conference wasn't quite as bad.
But. Just because the conference wasn't awful doesn't give them a free ride.
Sony brought the pain with more PS4 reveals, lots of surprises, and their savage beatdown of Xbox's licensing policies. Nintendo might not have had the same flair, but they still brought game after game after game. And Ubisoft, while hit and miss, still had a good variety of games. So by default, this goes to either EA or Microsoft.
But it's not just about the conferences, is it?
No. Microsoft thought it could weasel its way out of this discussion by shitting all of this out before E3, but it's not getting away that easily.
Limitation by country. Inability to sell or lend games. The need to pay $60 to "unlock" used games. Constant internet requirement. An overwhelming focus on TV and
The Xbox One is an absolute travesty, a bomb that's waiting to go off, a grave that Microsoft just keeps digging deeper with announcement after announcement. And with Sony's reveal that it wouldn't be doing any of that shit, the Xbone was done. Iced.
Good job, Microsoft. You'll be able to milk a ton of money out of the handful of people desperate enough to play Halo 5 and the poor mothers and fathers who don't know any better. It better have been worth losing everyone else in the process.
Xbox, go home.
For the game that, through trailers, live demos, or other presentations, deserves the most praise and built the most hype
When you think about it, as a whole, this was a pretty great year. There might not have been as much flash and grandeur as some past years, but we got tons of information on upcoming games, as well as astounding reveals about ones we didn't know about. You know it's a great year when there's fights in the street over which game reveal we're most excited about. Between Kingdom Hearts III, Bayonetta 2, Metal Gear Solid V, and more, the scuffle was pretty intense. But in the end, the new Smash Bros. came out on top.
We can't help it; we're a Nintendo forum at heart. We love Smash. And this new one looks to be pretty damn awesome. And while the Villager and Wii Fit Trainer were cool additions, it was Mega Man who stole the show.
Now we only have to bide our time until 2014, when the game can finally blow our balls off. Our bodies are ready.
"Best in Show" (Company)
For the company that overall was of the highest quality and standard, in both presentation and content
Again, in the grand scheme of things, this was a pretty good year. We got a lot of great games and not a lot of bullshit. But when it came down to the nitty gritty, two companies vied for top spot: Sony and Nintendo.
They both had a lot going for them. Sony had Kingdom Hearts III; Nintendo had Smash Bros. Sony had The Order, Nintendo had Monolith Soft's untitled game "X". Sony had Final Fantasy XV, Nintendo had Super Mario 3D World. They were neck and neck.
But in the end, they'd need something other than new game announcements to push them over.
And Sony brought that something with their show-stopping smackdown of the Xbone.
We couldn't help but laugh and cheer and applaud Sony the whole way through it. And this wasn't some "Genesis Does What Nintendon't" shit where it's just talking technical specs; they were ripping at Microsoft for their terrible consumer policies. And after all of these awesome announcements, all these great games coming out of the PS4, how much is it priced at?
$399. $100 cheaper than the Xbone, and only $50 more expensive than the Deluxe Wii U, which is most likely far less powerful.
So Sony, we salute you. For your great games, for your great system, for your great price, and for your great middle finger to Microsoft. You truly were the best in show.
We hope you enjoyed the 2013 YouChew E3 awards, and we hope that you were around to enjoy it with us so we could relive these great memories together. See you at E3 2014!
Thanks again to Combuskenisawesome for the new award emblems and the updates to the old ones. This wouldn't be the same without them.