__MrNanny(1).jpg)
Hulk Hogan is one of cinema's finest achievements. What I mean is that he managed to screw up the basics of acting so bad that, despite his experience with theatricality concerning professional wrestling, it makes anything he stars in absolutely incredible to watch. Hogan is so uncharismatic of an actor that he rarely even signs up to do a film, but when he does, you're in for a whole new world. Watching films like No Holds Barred (Hulk Hogan plays a wrestler who makes a terrorist shit his pants) and Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan plays an alien who has no concept of inconspicuousness) are an absolute delight in that these are not typical wrestler fare. You see, wrestlers mainly act in action films - for example, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, John Cena, and the Rock fit perfectly at home in films that require them to stand still, break peoples' necks, and blow up all of Dallas. Rarely do you see a wrestler tackle a family film, but when that occasion comes (i.e. the Rock's 2007-2010 stint; John Cena's surreal cameo in Fred: The Movie), these films transform from mediocre bargain bin filler to cinematic masterpieces. If only all films could have Cena ripping Lucas Cruikshank's arms off while screaming "YOU CAN'T SEE ME" and flexing his muscles every ten seconds.
But Mr. Nanny is on a completely different level. While it is by no means a good film in the conventional sense, it becomes an incredible black comedy once somebody really understands how the thing works. Starring Hulk Hogan, Mr. Jefferson, two kids who act in indie films now, that nerd from The Muppet Movie, and the lead singer of the New York Dolls, Mr. Nanny goes above and beyond what acceptable children's entertainment should be. If you want your children to become the next Dr. King Schultz, then show them this movie. This will show them how to carefully incapacitate (and most likely kill) a 200+ pound wrestler trying to make us believe that he's having a midlife crisis.
The plot, if I understand it correctly, is about this ex-wrestler, Sean Armstrong (Hogan), who keeps having nightmares about his time in the ring. His manager Sherman Hemsley (fuck his character's name) decides to get this man back into the ebb-and-flow of real life by hiring him as a security guard for this new venture he's creating. Their client, Alex Mason Sr. (Austin Pendleton), is the owner of a tech firm that has managed to create this amazing computer chip that has all the data needed to create the god-tier of anti-missile systems. However, it's not the computer chip that Mason wants Sean to guard - it's his angst-ridden kids Alex (Robert Gorman of no fame) and Kate (Madeline Zima of Heroes fame) that he needs to protect from bad guys like the lead singer of the New York Dolls who's clearly gone mad because Johnny Thunders recently died. I mean Thanatos. He's Greek. You know, all Greek people wear metal plates on their heads. Makes them look progressive as shit.
The most remarkable thing about Mr. Nanny is how director Michael Gottlieb managed to write some of the most sadistic traps for Sean to go through. From a diabetes-ridden black stereotype to a bike that goes near the speed of sound to a bowling ball that should've blown up Hulk Hogan's head into a Plaga-ridden mess, this movie proves that even a man who's probably wanted in 15 states for endangering others can somehow write and direct a movie. Take for example the set piece where the man with the 24-inch pythons has to work out in order to keep his stamina up. The kids decide to:
1. Hack an exercise bike so that it goes fucking fast during any set program, and
2. Place an electromagnet underneath a weight set.
After giving the Hulkster the workout of his life with the ultra-speedy bike, they decide to play around with the electromagnet, twisting it around so much that it looks like poor Terry's arms are about to rip right out of his body. It gets better - just when Kate gets control of the magnet, she turns it all the way up so that it launches the dumbbell up to the ceiling and then turns it off. If Hogan hadn't gotten out of that room fast, he would've been decapitated. This is a long way from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern stepping on tacks and being hit on the head with paint cans - that's reasonable since poor Kevin was trying to protect his home from burglars. Sean, on the other hand, is the kids' BODYGUARD. There is no reason that they should endanger his life (or any of the other nannies). I don't care if they're grieving over their mom's death and their dad's deadbeat nature - this is something that Psycho Mantis would do in his spare time when he's not masturbating to The Birth of a Nation.
Another great thing about Mr. Nanny is how surreal the plot of the movie is. When properly analyzed, it's far from surreal - hell, it aligns to Joseph Campbell's hero's journey archetype - but when the individual parts are scrutinized, one wonders how in the hell Mr. Gottlieb thought this was a good idea for a kids' film. I can see why Hulk Hogan and David Johansen are in the film - the Hulkster and Buster Poindexter were fucking massive back when the script for this was written (I'm guessing 1991) - but why is Sherman Hemsley, a black dude known for dancing to Gentle Giant on national TV, in this? Why is the plot about a wrestler trying to get over his combat fatigue from when he witnessed one-fifth of the New York Dolls fall into a pool and split his head wide open? Why is Mason Sr. making anti-nuclear defense systems? Why are these kids trying to murder 57% of the state of Florida with their Home Alone traps on steroids? How did Mother Love, a radio host known very well for her battle with diabetes, play a permutation of Mammy who makes sub sandwiches and sugary desserts? Why is Thanatos asphyxiating and scorching up in deep space considered a victory? Was this required viewing by child soldiers enlisted in Militaires Sans Frontieres? How could one feasibly come up with this movie and consider this box-office gold?
Another reason why I wanted to cover Mr. Nanny is that it was a lot of sentimental value for me. As far as I can remember, this movie is the first movie I ever saw in my life. My earliest memories include wearing out the tape for Mr. Nanny so much that my dad could actually record Beverly Hills 90210 reruns over it. I didn't know who Mr. Jefferson and David Johansen were, but this movie introduced me to Hulk Hogan. I guess it introduced me to the New York Dolls, but it's not too apparent.- David at this time was still playing novelty music with a pompadour. I thought this movie was the shit when I first saw it - and this was before my mom (God rest her soul) bought me Toy Story and Tommy Boy. Of course I know Mr. Nanny is a terrible, terrible film and not an effective family film either, but without it, I would not be writing today. I would not be creating stories without watching Hulk Hogan suffer a myriad of concussions. When this comes on TV, I can't help but to watch it - the sheer demented nature of the traps and the concept of the film in general are enough to make me laugh. I wish that a film starring Hulk Hogan, some kids, Mr. Jefferson, and that guy who screamed out "Jet Boy" on the Old Grey Whistle Test was better, but if this is what I got, then I salute it.
Do I recommend it to people who don't have sentimental value for it? I guess so. I mean, you could easily make fun of the traps in a YouTube Poop (that is, if you guys still make them) or you could just laugh at how Gottlieb manages to fail at the simple act of pandering to a common audience. However, be warned that not a lot of the film is funny - it's still run-of-the-mill family jokes and stuff. It's also something to analyze whenever you think that Hulk Hogan isn't earning enough money from Mean Gene's royalty checks. This is the shit he used to make just to get a paycheck. If only we had more Mr. Nannies and Suburban Commandoes and High Noon at Mega Mountains as opposed to reality shows featuring his delinquent son and his dumb daughter. The only thing that COMES CLOSE to the surreality of Mr. Nanny is that grill the Hulkster endorsed back in the past - and even that did its job. This didn't. This failed at the box office. This became another dime-a-dozen film. However, it did place me into this world.